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Statistics |
| Unique Visitors: 0 |
| Total Unique Visitors: 461585 |
| Visitors Out: 16515 |
| Total Visitors Out: 42968 |
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| The Perfect Poo |
| 2010-09-26 21:53:12 |
I’m not claiming it was symbolic—so many cancer people search for deeper meaning behind events, while I just see probability and randomness. But, at the time it was difficult to deny that this was a clear sign from God that I would survive the aggressive cancer. Yep, clear as day, like an angel flying down from heaven to relay the message…from the toilet bowl.
I was sixteen, visiting for the first time the hospital that would treat me for the next year. I hadn’t yet learned the value of taking Imodium AD prophylactically which I sometimes do now: before weddings, outdoor day events, and Chinese buffet outings.
I was touring the main floor of the hospital—not the side with nuclear medicine and diagnostic machines and operating rooms—but the side with the auditorium, granitoid tile floors and coffee bar. Mother Nature called, and despite my reticence to let loose in public bathrooms, I didn’t want to have to remain clenched when the doctors detailed my 60-70% chance of su...
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| Dudes of Cancer: Monsieur August |
| 2010-09-19 14:45:51 |
"I'm not an athlete. I'm a professional baseball player." — John Kruk
John Kruk
The former Major League baseball player, John Kruk, deserves much praise. Before joining the San Diego Padres in 1986, he won a championship…with the Mexicali Eagles. In 1987 he stole eighteen bases…but also got caught stealing ten times. He was a backup on the National League All-Star Team… in the Nintendo game, R.B.I. Baseball. After college he lived with two high school friends, who, without Kruk’s knowledge, were armed robbers. He may be the only player to ever retire in the middle of a game. Kruk wrote a book titled, I Ain’t an Athlete, Lady. Most importantly, he landed a role in a straight-to-DVD sequel to the baseball classic, The Sandlot, titled The Sandlot: Heading Home. It starred Luke Perry.
Krukker was fat, which isn’t itself a reason to tease anyone, except when you’re a professional athlete. He had a legit, Kenny Powers-style mullet. In the 1993 All-Star game—the real one a...
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| Dudes of Cancer: Monsieur July |
| 2010-09-19 14:44:13 |
Tom Green
“My bum is on a man/Bum is on a man/It's a lot of fun to put yer bum on a man” said Tom Green in his 1999 hit, “The Bum Bum Song.” That was back during Tom Green’s heyday when he hosted The Tom Green Show on MTV and starred in Road Trip. Tom is now one of those long forgotten celebrities, though he still makes some TV appearances, hosts a web show, and continues his rapping career.
Rapper? This Canadian-born oddball, who now looks like a cross between Edward Norton and a serial rapist, was a legitimate rapper in the early ‘90s, when his group was nominated for one Canadian rap award and won another. Tom has dabbled with many forms of entertainment, including radio and stand-up comedy. He became highly popular with his MTV shock humor variety show, and even had a brief marriage to Drew Barrymore.
They became engaged around the time Tom was diagnosed with testicular cancer. His illness is considered the reason his MTV show ended, though I believe based on zer...
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| Dudes of Cancer: Monsieur April |
| 2010-09-19 14:43:05 |
“If you don’t like onion rings, then I don’t even care ‘bout ya” – Trick Daddy
Michael C. Hall
If you haven’t seen the show, then I don’t even care 'bout ya. Dexter—a Showtime series about a blood spatter analyst who works for the Miami Metro Police Department and kills people in his spare time to feed his need—is awesome. Michael C. Hall plays the title character.
Dexter witnessed his mother’s bloody murder as a young boy, her body sliced to pieces, her blood saturating him as he howled, alone, and sitting in it. Dexter’s mind repressed the memories, but he was left sociopathic and emotionally dead.
Michael Hall’s father died of prostate cancer when he was just 11 years old. He plays the role of the emotionless monster so well that one has to wonder if his boyhood trauma made him into a real-life Dexter. That just may be considering he married his sister, that sicko (well, at least his adopted sister on the show…same thing, right?).
I was saddened earli...
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| Dudes of Cancer: Monsieur May |
| 2010-09-19 14:42:09 |
John McCain
It is hysterical what politicians will say in front of cameras, none funnier than Senator McCain. He mixed up Iraq and Afghanistan, Sunnis and Shiites, Somalia and Sudan, and the Packers and Steelers. He said Putin was the president of Germany and miscounted the number of American troops in Iraq by 20,000. He has referred to Czechoslovakia, which was divided into two countries 17 years ago.
I still crack up when I watch the YouTube video of him saying, "And you know, I couldn't agree with them more. I couldn't disagree with you. I couldn't agree with you more with the fact..."
McCain referred to Obama as "That one" when he couldn't remember his name.
He referred to Americans as "my fellow prisoners."
Economics is not something he understands well...according to himself. And he thinks the fundamentals of our economy are strong.
McCain couldn't remember how many houses he owned, and referred the questioner to his staff.
His slip-ups only get better: "Rates were cunt in ...
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| Dudes of Cancer: Monsieur March |
| 2010-09-19 14:40:44 |
Lance Armstrong
Ever heard of this guy (joke)? Lance is best known for winning the Tour-de-France—perhaps the most grueling sporting event in the world—seven consecutive times. Many people don’t realize that athleticism is in Lance’s genetic code. His mother was an athlete. Lance began competing as an early teenager, becoming a professional triathlete at age sixteen. On athletic measures such as resting heart rate and aerobic capacity, he posts mindboggling numbers.
Lance has a focus like nobody I’ve ever read about, a small circle of trusted friends, and the desire to control most aspects of his life. It is this drive that pushes him to not only endure huge amounts of pain, but seemingly enjoy it. He is physically and mentally tougher than most humans on the planet.
Lance began his foundation after his testicular cancer diagnosis in the mid 90s. It has become a premiere cancer research and support organization. Because of his giant celebrity status, advocacy, and undying s...
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| Strikeout: Part II |
| 2010-09-19 14:37:35 |
These segments are a continuation of my 2007 story, Strikeout.
7I was in the computer lab my senior year of high school with The Stumbler and my crush, Munchkin. They were discussing a party she would attend that night, and how I should accompany her. Munchkin told The Stumbler that I was going to get play that night, and it was obvious she wanted me to overhear her.
My nerves went haywire. I pretended not to listen as I furiously typed gibberish, though the look on my face suggested I found the solution to peace in the Middle East. I forced myself to stop by her work that afternoon, though.
I first ran into 7-11 and bought her the blue pack of Starburst, formerly known as California Fruits before Mars changed the flavors and name to Baja California. The original blue pack was one of the best candy packages ever assembled. I was hopeful that Munchkin shared my passion for corn syrup and hydrogenated palm oil.
I felt like I was about to make an inauguration speech in front of two mi...
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| Dudes of Cancer: Monsieur February |
| 2010-09-19 14:34:29 |
Louis Farrakhan
Formerly known as Louis Eugene Walcott, Louis Farrakhan was a well-adjusted young man, graduating with honors from Boston English High School, where he played the violin and was a member of the track team. He attended the Winston-Salem Teachers College from 1951 to 1953, but dropped out to pursue a career in music and even performed professionally in Boston nightclubs.
Farrakhan is known for his advocacy for black interests and as the National Representative of the Nation of Islam. He joined the Nation in 1955. He emerged as the protégé of Malcolm X and one of its most prominent members. Under Farrakhan's leadership, the Nation established a clinic for AIDS patients in D.C., and promoted social reform in African American communities. Farrakhan was a driving force behind the Million Man March in 1995.
Perhaps Farrakhan is best known for his "passionate" views on Jews, whites and gays. According to the Anti-Defamation League, Farrakhan has said the following:
“Do y...
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| Dudes of Cancer: Monsieur September |
| 2010-09-15 13:40:55 |
The Benjy
As the story goes, JD had been harassing his younger brother for days and baby Benjamin quietly accepted it. And then, when no one was looking, he grabbed his biggest, baddest toy, and smashed JD over the noggin with it. That was the day the young sociopath who would later be referred to as “The Benjy” was born.
The Benjy strayed down the opposite path his loving parents had chosen for him. Skipping elementary school during the day, he occupied sleazy neighborhoods slinging crack rock. And in the evenings, he shunned his piano teacher and soccer coach to pimp out mostly young women (and some very old men) in the red-light district of Manassas. When his mom or dad drove to pick him up from his lesson or practice, he threatened potential tattletales with his now infamous symbol—inserting his index finger into his rear end (sexual orientation was a gray area for The Benjy). Urban legend has it that children who were shown the symbol twice were never seen again.
Gender ro...
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| 9-10-10 |
| 2010-09-08 17:15:30 |
It was the event of the century…literally. 9-9-9, T2theZ called it: September 9, 2009, 9 innings at a Washington Nationals game, 9 hot dogs, 9 beers. T2theZ transformed the event into a fundraiser with donations going to The ALS Association, a fitting charity considering it is often referred to as “Lou Gehrig's Disease.” I joined his charity team, and as a group we raised over $150.
T2theZ was the only team member to complete the challenge, finishing 9 hot dogs and buns that he provided cheaply, as well as 9 16-ounce beers that Nationals Park provided expensively. I was there more to laugh than participate. Consuming a few days’ worth of calories within three hours isn’t my cup of tea (with the exception of my annual trip to Colony Diner in Long Island, where this strawberry shortcake last week nearly made me poop out my appendix.)
The large beers were equivalent to 12 regular-sized bottles. T2theZ may not remember finishing, but we have proof in the form of expertl...
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