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| ED Survivors Club |
| The Eating Disorder Survivors Club is a health & wellness support group and self-help resource for those struggling to break free of eating disorders and addictions so that they can live the best life possible; the life they deserve! |
| Language: English |
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Statistics |
| Unique Visitors: 0 |
| Total Unique Visitors: 44 |
| Visitors Out: 874 |
| Total Visitors Out: 876 |
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| Progress: Checking In With Me |
| 2007-08-02 14:45:00 |
In the self-abnegating mindset that impacts individuals with eating disorders, it's so easy to minimize the progress that we make in recovery. It is for me. While the negative voices are no longer predominantly focused on the physical (eating disorder related), they do crop up every once in a while to say a host of other self-defeating thoughts; i.e. I'm a failure, I don't deserve to buy nice things for myself, I am a waste of money, I need to grow up already and figure out what I want to do, It's taking me too long to figure out the best type of work for me that will allow me to feel emotionally nourished rather than feed right on into my being a workaholic, which proceeds my neglect of myself in sake of "career success."These voices, when they rise, are thought through and stomped on by ...
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| Eating Disorder Recovery: Musings on My Journey |
| 2007-07-29 22:54:00 |
I forget that I am in recovery from an eating disorder.I forget a lot.I come back here to write and I find myself wandering off...to play guitar, to read a book, to paint, to write poetry, to explore different yoga practices, research different careers that I'm curious about, to answer the phone, to clean the house, to have a four hour marathon conversation with my best friend, to go to a concert, to take a long walk with my camera, to explore new streets, to spend time with my husband sharing our vision for our family (should we be blessed to have our own little miracle some day), to go to the beach...I was musing last night about the journey of reco...
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| Re-Introducing Me: HAPPY. LUCKY. FREE[dom]. |
| 2007-07-23 23:25:00 |
The celebrations and parties of last week and this weekend are filled with memories that I'll take with me and use to remind me of the goodness and peace afforded to me since I've started living my life out loud. In my soul, I do feel a sense of freedom, happiness, acceptance and peace. There was not a single moment this weekend when I slipped into my head and was multi-tasking between enjoying the present and analysis paralysis. And, what happened?I gave into myself and was just me.No questioning. No inner-worry. No anxiety. No fear.I was...HappyLacked inhibitionListened and talked AND talked and listenedLaughedFunnyWittyIntelligentDancing without a care in the worldFun-lovingPeacefulHumorousExuberantSmilingLiving for the momentLovin' being meGlowing (I felt it and was told as much)Presen...
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| ...and, I'm off..... |
| 2007-07-19 19:56:00 |
Packing completed and i'll be leaving for the aiport shortly. Off for another weekend of celebrations. A rehearsal dinner and a wedding. I'm excited for the fun.I'm going to do my best to stay present and assert myself should I get any comments about my eating or my body or a multitude of other things. i don't walk around making comments on anyone's body or figure or what they are eating...so, no one has the right to comment on mine.So, I'm bringing my...self-esteempositive mind-setsense of calmperspectivehopeenthusiasm for lifeassertivenessgoodnessgratefulnessinner-badassintelligencesense of humorquick witpeaceful thoughtskick ass and take names attitudeANDof course mr. wrinkles, my stuffed animal pug:)yep. almost 30 years old and i still travel with mr. wrinkles.***I hope everyone has a
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| Stalking, Eating Disorders: Recovery Is Real |
| 2007-07-15 18:34:00 |
I've been stalked.I've been stalked twice.The police did nothing.My college did nothing.My fear remained.I learned to numb it.I learned to numb every horrible thing that happened to me by not eating.I thought this was all behind me.I did.It's still hard to accept that I was stalked.I thought the reason that no authority figure took action was because they couldn't believe that anyone would waste their time stalking me. I thought to admit that I was being stalked was an admission of being self-centered. As if I was self-absorbed.Who would want to waste their time stalking me? It must be all in my head. It must. Just ignore it and it will go away. It didn't.It was happening.I was denying it.And, as anyone who has been stalked knows, the stalker thrives on is...
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| Friday Night Fun: Laser Cats |
| 2007-07-14 03:54:00 |
Hmmm...I wonder if Laser Cats can blast out eating disorders? Andy Samberg from SNL always puts a smile on my face.Sometimes laughter is the best medicine:)and, as I say every day...Recovery Is Real. Live it.and, for the non-believers, I say, "Kiss my ass!"
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| ED Recovery: Digesting My Emotions |
| 2007-07-12 02:07:00 |
Centering, grounding, processing.Tuesday was an exhausting day. Tiring in a good way.Every Tuesday I go to my nutritionist.Monday nights are rough for me.I am anxious, nervous, shaky, sad, lonely and my mind is a dog chasing its tail. I try all the things I've learned that help me to calm myself and on Monday night the best thing I can do is put myself to bed.After months and months of Monday night melt downs; the melt downs, the despair and the feelings of worthlessness surround me. I mentally beat myself up. I start processing the previous week and pick apart every single thing I've done that could be perceived as not being grateful for giving myself the gift to heal.I start questioning if I really gave recovery all I could the week before. I start kno...
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| Quebec: C'est Bon - Part Deux |
| 2007-07-09 18:08:00 |
I loved my visit to Quebec. I uploaded a few photos to share with you all:) When I saw this ring in a little boutique on Rue St. Anne, I simply had to have it. This mini-shrine to Johnny Cash's famous middle finger now adorns my middle finger. There's something powerful about wearing a Johnny Cash ring. It reminds me that recovery is real. The Quebec music festival. A view a top the Citadel. Manu Chao peformed. I loved dancing around with mr. em as night fell and the music played on... Montmerency Falls: Mr. Em and I hiked to the top and walked across the foot bridge above the falls. For my friends and neighbors on the cul-de-sac National Geographic's highlights of Quebec can be found here. Enjoy!
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| Quebec: C'est Bon |
| 2007-07-09 07:17:00 |
Back from a mini-vacation to Quebec with Mr. Em (my husband).It was a surprise getaway. And, by surprise I mean that:1. I found out on Tuesday that we were leaving Wednesday morning.2. Still in disbelief I went out with friends until around 2am the night before.3. When I woke up around 9am, it was time to pack.4. I was informed that I should pack for warm days and cool nights.5. I knew we were driving to our destination.I surrendered control and lived in the moment remaining present. And, I got in the car smiling.I was excited and having fun.I focused on the present and when I found myself thinking about the things that I can not control, I accepted them. I experienced my feelings (the pleasant, not so pleasant and emotionally excruciating) and allowed them to co-exist as I sat in the car ...
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| ToDo'sDay = ToLiveDay |
| 2007-07-03 05:10:00 |
Todo'sdayMy Todo'sday to do's = nutrition(ist) + therapy(ist).Two reminders that I am in recovery from anorexia. My anxiety skyrockets and I have trouble being present because I have this dread that comes over me as I am reminded that yes, I have the deadliest mental illness.Anorexia PrognosisAnorexia is thought to have the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder, with approximately 10% of those who are diagnosed with the disorder eventually dying due to related causes.A recent review suggested that less than one-half recover fully, one-third improve, and 20% remain chronically ill.My RealityI would be a gazillionaire if I got a $1 for every time someone:a) tells me they wish they had my will powerb) says they wish they had my metabolismc) asks me how i can eat what i'm eating a...
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| Restoration Hope |
| 2007-07-02 17:00:00 |
Reading Underworld by Don DeLillo. Introduced by Conor Oberst of Bright Eyes. A gift I am grateful for, a gift that I received, however wasn't given in the traditional sense. A leap of faith, hearing Conor Oberst sing the lyrics 'Don DeLillo' and looking for the meaning. I found him in the book store. I brought him on the plane where I sit now.A plane ride, another leap of faith. I surrender control to the pilot. I've never met him. I don't know how he feels about himself. Is he overly confident that he can fly this plane? Is he married? Does he have children? I won't know the choices he's made, what he values or why he wanted to be a pilot. I take a leap of faith that he is competent at his job and can get me to my temporary destination.If I were to question everything and never take a le...
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| Surrender: But Don't Give Yourself Away |
| 2007-06-28 17:07:00 |
It's an amazing journey. It's a journey to reclaim your life and not let go of it.So I ask myself, "Who am I now?"I don't define myself as a person with anorexia. I really dislike the term anorexic because then I'm defining myself as an eating disorder.If I believe that I am an eating disorder, I wouldn't have much room to heal.How does anyone give away their identity willingly? If I became an eating disorder recovery activist 24/7, then in some way, I'm still developing my identity within the framework of eating disorders.I'm acutely aware that stress+anxiety+trying to control that which is out of my control+avoidance of feelings of sadness and grief = No appetite.And, there will always be stress, there will always be sadness, there will always be situations that arise that are out of my ...
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| Keep On Livin' - My ED Recovery Mantra |
| 2007-06-26 18:58:00 |
This song rocks the house. Who rocks the house? This song.There's nothing quite like a damn good song to dance to, by yourself, in your house, in your pajamas, ipod on or off, in your car or wherever you want. (That almost got very Dr. Seuss! hee hee)It's an inspirational, kick-ass and take names, i ain't gonna let the bastards grind me down' kinda songs.Cue: Le Tigre's Keep on Livin' Enjoy the Song and the Lyrics! (Note: I change the lyrics up a bit and alternate between 'keep on livin' and 'keep on eatin' as needed.) "You hide inside, so not okay(keep on, keep on livin')What if you remember more today?(Keep on, keep on livin')The phone rings but there's too much to say(keep on, keep on livin')You tell them to go when you wish they would stay(keep on, keep on livin')You gotta keep on(keep...
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| Love the One You're With |
| 2007-06-24 06:53:00 |
Alternative TitleLove Your WidthDisclaimerMy body has apparently decided to remind me who's boss (and, it sure ain't Tony Danza or 'she who will not be named' aka the leader of the workaholic cult). It's my body (not to be confused with Mr. Body from Clue who I do believe also plays Rooster in Annie). Precisely one day after I wrote my apology, I seem to have come down with the flu. While, I'm not an Ace of Base 'I saw the sign' kinda girl, I did find it to be an interesting correlation of events which I interpret as...My Body's response to my heartfelt apology:Dear Em,Thank you for the apology. It is clear that you put great thought into it, yet it seems you forgot that anorexia is a mental illness. You didn't choose it, so it's not something that you need ...
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| A Letter to My Body |
| 2007-06-22 06:04:00 |
Dear Body,I am sorry. I am so terribly sorry.I hope you’ll accept my apology. I realize now that my apology is long overdue. I am sorry that it took me so long to recognize and fully comprehend all of the pain and torture I put you through. Until now, I wasn’t emotionally prepared to accept the role I consciously and unconsciously played in your suffering. I both knew and didn’t know how precisely aware you were of my maltreatment. How could it be so simultaneously intentional and unintentional?I believe I manifested my incoherence through you. I was using you as my instrument to play my song of self-loathing. Such a dark song was the unharmonious melody of my mind. I neglected to do a sound check. I just kept playing that song, strumming every minor ...
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| Recovery Anthems: Musical Inspiration |
| 2007-06-21 23:31:00 |
Music is an integral part of my life and my recovery. I may have discussed this Recovery Anthem before...and today, well, I need to hear it again.I'm craving a little extra umpf or mo-jo or just good ol fightin words to remind me that:1. I'm not gonna allow my eating disorder to overwhelm me with feelings of guilt.2. I'm not gonna take my eating disorder's false sense of security anymore.3. I'm choosing to take care of myself and live the best life possible.4. I'm proud of restoring my sense of self; no longer in denial, I feel happy and silly again.5. I'm present and I'm taking an active role in my life.6. I'm an open book, writing the chapters of my life day by day.Like any auto-biography some chapters are comprised of struggles, pain, frustration, sad...
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| Survivors Club: We're Movin On Up... |
| 2007-06-20 07:00:00 |
The Survivors ClubUpdated 7.09.07On March 19, 2007, I posted a little mention that I would love if others would join me as part of The Eating Disorder Survivors Club. My hope was to show that no one is alone in their struggle whether they are experiencing an eating disorder first or second hand. By listing all of the members of the Survivors Club, I hoped it would help to erradicate the stigma and shame surrounding eating disorders.After I relapsed with anorexia, I felt completely alone. I felt ashamed that I relapsed and I kept asking myself, "Is recovery real?" As I got futher and further along Recovery Road, I was able to see for myself that yes, recovery is very real. How I wished I could find one other person who would agree with me. Yet, in the end, it...
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| Work-Life Imbalance: Recipe for ED |
| 2007-06-18 18:00:00 |
A lot of unknowns currently make up the fabric of my present. I've spent so much of my life on being a success from a career perspective. The hardest decision I made, was to step away from my 24/7 emotionally abusive job and go into an outpatient eating disorder program.The saddest thing to me is that I had no idea that something was wrong. The first time I was diagnosed with anorexia there was no doubt that I had a problem. I knew what was happening. I knew I was purposefully restricting. The second, more recent time, I understood that I had an unhealthy relationship with my job. I understood that my eating was disordered. However, I wasn't purposefully restricting. I had a really hard time seeing and subsequently accepting that I had relapsed with anorexia.Here's a snapshot of my life, b...
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| Number - Numb(er) |
| 2007-06-16 16:40:00 |
Numb.Number.Numb(ers)Numb[h](ers)Numbers make me (Numb)er.- Written by ms. em-Reminds me of the day I discovered the word die was part of the word [die]t.
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| Jeopardy: I'll take ED Recovery for $1,000 |
| 2007-06-15 07:25:00 |
Eating Disorder Recovery: It’s an ambiguous term and after internet cruising for the answer, I felt some motion sickness from being tossed and turned from one professional opinion to the other. Agreement doesn’t seem to flow through the medical community that easily.And, I’m a bit tired of the age old answer I’ve heard from the treatment community, “Recovery is whatever you want it to be. You need to look within for the answer.” Or the ever popular, “I can’t define that for you. You need to learn to come to your own conclusions about what it is.”I reply to this with, “Right. I see. I know I need to work on making my own decisions without looking for external validation, however, if I’m here because I’m in recovery could you afford...
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| The Unknown: 7 Pieces of My (Her)Story |
| 2007-06-13 17:48:00 |
The lovely, sweet Sarah tagged me. The tag challenge: to list 7 pieces of my (her)story that you may not already know. I did some thinking about this...what pieces of me would provide everyone a deeper understanding of me? I started writing and everything was so serious; it became a list of triumpfs over adversity. Yes, those are all true, but a very important part of me was missing, the part of me that has afforded me some perspective in this struggle toward self-acceptance; my sense of humor. We all have so many pieces that make us who we are, some of them we may not be proud of, some of them we may not like, but in the end, they made us who were are.So, with that, I share with you 7 Pieces of My (Her)story:1. When I was six years old, my half brother, mo...
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| What Do You Believe? |
| 2007-06-13 05:24:00 |
This is what I believe:That I am I.That my soul is a dark forest.That my known self will never be more than a little clearing in the forest.That gods, strange gods, come forth from the forest into the clearing of my known self, and then go back.That I must have the courage to let them come and go.That I will never let mankind put anything over me, but that I will try alwaysto recognize and submit to the gods in me and the gods in other men and women.There is my creed.- D.H. Lawrence
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| The Birthday Present of Being Present |
| 2007-06-11 20:07:00 |
A kodachrome snapshot of a gorgeous day.A day of uninhibited authentic happiness.Breathing in each moment.Smiling, ('tis true), through the day's entirety.A celebration of a year of renewing my spirit,finding myselfbehind the palimpsest of curtainsand taking the stage-front and center.Living my life out loud.No longer a dichotomy between what I say and how I feel.That 'twas birthday.This is my life...Photography compliments of Mr. EmNote: Mr. Em's photos have replaced the photos of me at my bday celebration. Those pics were on view for a limited time only;)
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| It's my party & I'm smiling cause I want to |
| 2007-06-08 13:28:00 |
It's the final countdown- to my 'born day' (commonly referred to as my birthday). On Sunday I turn 29 years old and I am celebrating 'me'. A few weeks ago, I realized for the first time in 8 years that I wanted to celebrate my 'born day' with my friends. This is a milestone in the 180 degree positive change of me since last June. You see, this year, well, I like myself. And, at long last, I didn't have the 'but what if nobody comes fear?' And, so the evite goes out and well, everybody's comin'. Woo hoo! That's right, ladee, dadee me likes to party! And, if you don't wanna party then go home! I'm extending a virtual invitation to you all and promise to take many pictures!So, yesterday I received a 'born-day' card from some very special individuals. While not...
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