 |
 |
|
|
| |
| |
| |
|
Statistics |
| Unique Visitors: 48 |
| Total Unique Visitors: 112046 |
| Visitors Out: 1787 |
| Total Visitors Out: 2780 |
|
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
| Not wanted |
| 2007-09-28 09:10:00 |
Just had a quick look round and after looking on humor-blogs.com was a little surprised to find that after not posting for a while I have been kicked of the list, how strange. My blog was up for review whilst I have been ill and as such I didn’t expect anything glowing as a result of not having any content for a while. But still kicked of the list.Technorati Tags:humor, blog, list, kicked, reviewGenerated By Technorati Tag Generator...
|
| |
|
| Back....Just |
| 2007-09-28 08:32:00 |
When I last posted I had no idea it would such a long time before I even had the energy to sit at a keyboard again. My medical indiscretion whacked me out far more than I imagined it would and even given the energy to type the last thing on my mind has been funny.I’m feeling lots better now and although not one hundred percent I at least have managed to get into the swing again. Thank you for visiting the blog and showing your concern, it was a nice surprise to see smiley faces waiting when I logged in....
|
| |
|
| Less than 100%. |
| 2007-09-13 05:28:00 |
No post for the last two days, I have been laid up with a bad chest infection and not had the energy to do anything. Couple of other things have gone dickey this week to and just after a check up that gave me the all clear. One of the down sides to being ill (apart from fighting for breath in between throwing up and getting hardly any sleep when you need it most) is that you are not allowed to enjoy your misery. Some kind friend who on hearing of your malaise invariably visits you and proceeds to give you a run down on whets wrong with them. They will ask you how you feel but before you get very far into your tail of whoe will stop you saying “You think that’s bad, I was in agony last week with, blah, blah, blah, You get a blow by blow account of how they suffered for days, even weeks ...
|
| |
|
| Stripes for men. |
| 2007-09-10 05:16:00 |
Yesterday the sun was shining, and as it hadn’t rained for a few days I couldn’t put off mowing the lawn any longer. I call it lawn but its little more than a vast expanse of Australian bush land around sixty foot long and thirty wide and that’s just to the right of the path. On the other side in front of where I park my car is a strip fifteen foot wide and thirty-foot long. So unless I keep on top of it (And I don’t) making it tidy is a daunting task.I have to have a run at these things so coffee was the order of the day followed by toast and then more coffee. I placed my safety chair near the front door, in case I needed to sit down, I have a great wheeze, if I am forced to exert myself in pointless exercise like cutting grass, then the safety chair is a must. It works like this;...
|
| |
|
| The copper top tart. |
| 2007-09-08 10:46:00 |
It amazes me how people who abuse and torture their bodies with drugs, booze and raucous living can outlast seasoned fitness freaks who do all the right things health wise. One such person is Nora, or as she was known locally “The copper top tart”.Nora has always been a tart; she learnt her trade during the black out of the Second World War. It was then that she discovered American soldiers would pay handsomely for a few hurried moments of sex with a then pretty girl who didn’t much care what they did to her as long as she got her few bob for the job. British Tommie's were among her patrons too, but she preferred the yanks because they treated her well, and gave her presents.I’m not being unkind by calling her a tart, this was how she referred to herself, and was I think proud of h...
|
| |
|
| Rupert the tramp. |
| 2007-09-07 09:03:00 |
Rupert the tramp was a familiar figure in Gorton during the late seventies, early eighties. He was tall, gaunt and easily recognised by his shabby greasy clothes and wild hair that gave him a Ben Gun appearance. Most days he could be seen walking the empty streets of terraced houses awaiting demolition. This was where he earned his living; this was where he lived. During the day he would comb the old houses for scrap copper and lead piping that he would weigh in for a few pennies and at night he would find a house that still had windows and a door and there he would sleep.People didn’t pay much attention to Rupert really, they didn’t bother him and he certainly didn’t bother them. It was a good arrangement; sometimes people swapped rumours about why ...
|
| |
|
| Asda's Own brand. |
| 2007-09-06 09:14:00 |
Despite my recent beefs about Asda I found myself there again yesterday, not for the weekly shop but to browse the CD Isle, they have quite a good selection and how wrong can you get with things like pre-packed, made somewhere else type goods? In the car-park I overheard two battle worn vets of power bargain shopping talking about Asda’s own brand goods that were just as good as, if not better than the real thing.I should have known better, but I’m a bloke, I’m supposed to fall for this shit. Anyway the thought of huge savings that could count in pounds rather than pennies had me filling a basket once more. I started the ball rolling by visiting the less than hygienic café for a cold coffee. Complaining about the lack of heat in this beverage seems to draw nothing but Blanc stairs f...
|
| |
|
| Triumphs and disasters part 3 |
| 2007-09-05 09:23:00 |
After I left theYarmouth track in the capable hands of Rob the new Manager, things became quieter on the social side for me partly because I wasn’t in the mood for the complications of courtship, but mainly because I was so busy with work. I was to travel to Ibiza to reconnoitre a rundown outdoor go kart track that was part of a hotel complex with a view to buying and turning around the fortunes of what could have been a very good money spinner.The companies business plan was to set up five or six tracks as a group and make it a buyable commodity. We had given ourselves five years to do this, not a lot of time but it was (in theory) a workable plan. The Ibiza complex was to be our venture into the European market. Unfortunately the reason the Spanish track was in such dire straits was be...
|
| |
|
| Not the Trafford shopping centre. |
| 2007-09-03 05:09:00 |
One of the interesting things about running a shop in the suburbs was the wide variety of lunatics that frequented the place. The customers were wacky enough and although irritating to deal with were a necessary evil. There was also other shopkeeper's on the same block who felt the need to pop in on a regular basis and pal out with me as it were. There was Doreen who had a Flower shop and punctuated every other word with a sneeze (She was allergic to flowers) and dripped snot into roses and carnations as she lovingly fashioned floral tributes. Many a young girl presented with one of Doreen bouquets must have sniffed enthusiastically at it thinking “How sweet they smell, and so fresh too, they still have dew on them”. She was a homely looking girl but what an artist. . Next door was th...
|
| |
|
| Snake woman. |
| 2007-09-01 05:03:00 |
Snake woman or Barbara was one of those bohemian types who suddenly appear in your life and behave as though they have always been there. These people always seem to know you by first name despite the fact that you might never have met them before. I remember the day she first entered my shop (Visual Electronics), it was early morning, I had been to party the night before and was feeling a little delicate, which was why I was leaning on the counter and looking at my shoes for inspiration.She opened the door with a flourish, stepped into the shop and stood there like a sulking film starlet. She had raven black hair that framed a pale face and her eyes were hidden by huge sunglasses, which she slowly removed. She shook her hea...
|
| |
|
| Tooth & Nail, |
| 2007-08-30 07:46:00 |
I need to go to the dentist, I’m overdue anyway, but the last few days one of my back teeth has been giving me gyp and like most people I hate dentists. Actually it only hurts when I eat, drink, sit, stand, walk, laugh, sneeze, cough, fart, drive, or sleep so I suppose I could leave it a little longer, until it gets really bad.My dentist is a woman and although I am proud to say that there isn’t a male chauvinist bone in my body. That I genuinely support a fair across the board gender assignment to lifeboats, and am a firm supporter of equal pay for both sexes doing the same job (As long as I the man gets the same rate for less hours of course). I was a little perturbed when a couple of years ago I arrived for an appointment to discover that my trusty, well scrubbed, knowledgeable, hai...
|
| |
|
| Triumphs and disasters part 2 |
| 2007-08-29 05:14:00 |
Some months after Lesley had deserted me for the burger flipper I found myself travelling down to Great Yarmouth to set up and open another track for Karting2000. The place was a mess and needed a great deal of work if it was to be ready for the holiday season. Several of us found ourselves living twenty-four seven at the track. We started work at seven in the morning and didn’t finish until well gone twelve most nights. For a good deal of the time we were there we ate and slept in what was to be the main office. There was really no point in finding a hotel at that time, the track was some way away from civilisation near the harbour mouth and commuting would have cost us precious time.One night the lads went out to a club on the promenade and I was left to my own devices. I did some pap...
|
| |
|
| An open apology to my Daughter |
| 2007-08-29 04:14:00 |
I come cap in hand to my blog this morning to apologise for trashing my Daughters cooking. The special onions, which contained garlic, lemon and spices, were a superb entrée to the Chilli con carne, which (Not too hot but just right) was served on a bed of fluffy rice, with coconut and potato wedges on the side. As my Grandfather used to say “Eeeeeeeeyyyy I did enjoy that”....
|
| |
|
| Be afraid, be very afraid. |
| 2007-08-28 11:44:00 |
My Daughter rang me earlier to invite me for dinner, my heart sank, its not that she is a bad cook, its more a lack of quantity values that she suffers from. She overdoes or under does ingredient amounts, which can have a disastrous effect on both tongue and stomach. Sunday dinners are fine, in fact great, her mixed grill can’t be beaten, and bangers and mash cooked by my little girl are delicious. Even a simple dish like egg and chips can be eaten with the confidence that it will taste good and be cooked perfectly. However the minute she decides to prepare something requiring the accurate measurement and blending of several ingredients her mathematical skills take a nosedive.I remember once when she was in her first year at high school, she proudly announcing that she was going to make ...
|
| |
|
| Triumphs and disasters Part 1 |
| 2007-08-27 06:01:00 |
I was reflecting over the weekend on my dating score since my second wife left (For the final time) ten years ago. It doesn’t seem like ten years have passed since she slung her proverbial hook with a Yugoslavian Knife sharpener from Belgrade, but as the saying goes Time fly’s when you are enjoying yourself. True I was gutted at first, nobody likes change but within a couple of hours of the door shutting behind her, I became used to the idea of living without the woman I had always assumed I was going to drag the rest of my life out with.The last few months we spent together was a bad time for me, she left and returned many times and as the year hurtled toward its end. I knew it would soon be over. Call it intuition, call it a hunch, call it what you will but I knew somehow that things...
|
| |
|
| The Angel of Manchester. |
| 2007-08-25 06:03:00 |
Gorton cemetery is situated on a rolling hill where Hyde road and Reddish lane converge. These two remnants of Roman civil engineering are separated by a long stretch of wasteland that was once part of the great inland waterways of Great Britain. The canal has long gone a victim of forward thinking by yet another inept government. Who exchanged what was once a picturesque reed clogged canal walkway populated by wildlife and the fauna of nature, for fly-tippers paradise overrun by muggers, lovers and druggies. Which now boasts more used condoms and empty syringes per square mile than anywhere else in this sceptre'd Isle we love so much.In the Southwest corner of this quiet resting-place for the long gone, under a canopy of elder trees that hide from view a pile of old broken bikes washing m...
|
| |
|
| I'v got it. |
| 2007-08-24 06:40:00 |
I went to the Doctors this morning for my regular check up. He seemed surprised to see me which doesn’t really inspire confidence, He always looks tired and run down, so I usually end up asking him how he feels, suggest he gets some rest and eats properly, perhaps lose a few pounds.The small talk over he takes blood samples, checks my blood pressure all the usual stuff, this time I had to take in a water sample. Nothing to eat or drink from midnight puts a strain on your mind even when usually you don’t eat or drink anything from midnight. It’s the fact that you cant that gets your goat, so without fail at the stroke of twelve the hunger pangs start and your throat dries up and swallowing is almost impossible.I put the sample in the fridge whilst I shaved and showered. It went in as ...
|
| |
|
| Miserable bleeder. |
| 2007-08-22 08:06:00 |
I went to renew my car insurance yesterday. It's a bit of a pain in the arse because the insurance company I use has nowhere to park. It’s on the main road, which usually means a ticket, so that any money I save on using this company is offset by the parking fine. Stupid really but I still do it.As I approached the desk a very lovely young blonde in a smart, almost strict two piece suit smiled and asked if she could do anything for me. I managed to smile back and keep what I was thinking to myself. I informed her why I was there and asked about an alternative policy to the one I already had. As I admired her spotless white blouse, which was attempting to escape from and threatening to spoil the cut of her well-tailored jacket, she said “One moment while I bring your account up on the c...
|
| |
|
| You know it makes sense., don't you? |
| 2007-08-22 06:37:00 |
I’m thinking of writing a book entitled “Chat up lines for women” I know there are plenty of books out there written by girls for girls, but think about it, I know what works for me....
|
| |
|
| Don't listen to me I talk shit. |
| 2007-08-20 08:17:00 |
It’s always been a mystery to me why it is that people have for most of my adult life asked my advice about anything and everything. People who do the asking really do think that I have no problems whatsoever, I know this because they have told me at the time of asking for the advice. It seems I sail through life without a care. It’s not that I mind helping, but the responsibility lies heavy if they actually take the advice I offer.Mostly they don’t, thank heaven, I have found that a request for advice is really a search for confirmation of their own ideas about what it is they should do and if what you say differs from what they think, they will look elsewhere for wise words. Usually its women who ask this old sage for a solution to whatever problem is troubling them, and the proble...
|
| |
|
| All is clear. |
| 2007-08-18 04:53:00 |
One or two people have asked how my Grandson Mark came up with the wombat-shit line in his poem “Death” in the “Little Laureates” post. Well I asked him yesterday and he said that he had been watching a wildlife program in which a vet was treating a wombat, for what I do not know. Anyway the wombat shit on the floor of the vets office and the vet complained saying “Chriky mate” (I assume he was Australian) that smells like a dead horse”. I looked at him “So the Wombat wasn’t dead, the horse was dead”. He nodded and rolled his eyes.I asked him where he got the word excrement from, he said his teacher wouldn’t let him use the word shit, he changed it to poo, she wouldn’t let him use that either, she said he could use a laxative word. I couldn’t wait for this one; He...
|
| |
|
| Sparkle of Manchester. |
| 2007-08-17 09:19:00 |
Iv been commissioned to build a web site for a new company in Manchester called “Sparkle”, they are a beauty treatment salon where the ladies can get their legs and bikini line waxed and any other area that can’t be got at with a razor (Shades of the last post). They perform manicures and pedicures as well as massage, tanning and teeth whitening. It’s a one stop shop for cleaning up your act as it were and I am having to learn new terminology for lady bits as well as being privy to some of the best kept secrets that women don’t keep.Its amazing just how much there is to nail care, such things as Bio Sculpture gel, overlays and infills were before this week just scary words that women used when attacking a mans wallet. And who would have thoug...
|
| |
|
| Spot the difference. |
| 2007-08-16 07:29:00 |
I normally wake up bright eyed and ready for the day. Well I definitely wake up, however this morning I felt like shit, sat on the edge of the bed for a while and mentally prepared myself for the knee bend that would propel me to a vertical position. I dragged myself to the bathroom, stood motionless for a few minutes doing nothing in particular. I decided to make some coffee that usually gets me going. I make a point of not looking in the mirror until after I have showered (Its not a pretty sight) for some reason after a nights sleep my hair looks like an explosion in a mattress factory, bed head isn’t the word.The coffee did the trick, but I still couldn’t quite shake of the can’t be arsed feeling. After I shower I shave, I really didn’t want to go through that chore this morning...
|
| |
|
| Little Laureates. |
| 2007-08-14 09:26:00 |
Young Writers is the young people’s publishing imprint of Forward Press - The People’s Publisher. Established in 1991, Young Writers has promoted poetry and creative writing within schools for the past 15 years by running annual nationwide competitions. Each competition results in the publication of a collection of regional anthologies showcasing the work of today’s schoolchildren. The British Library has over a decade of Young Writers collections in its national archive!And my Grandson Mark has a poem in this latest publication “Little Laureates”. It’s a poem about death, morbid I know but they were given a list of subjects they could write about and Markey chose death as the best in the list. I’m not quite sure what the other subjects were about, but rest assured, if he cho...
|
| |
|
| Who ate all the pie's. |
| 2007-08-13 10:35:00 |
The weekend turned out ok although the fireworks promised by the annual Perseids meteor shower failed to impress me. It was cloudy on and off so not great weather for shooting star watching. I was going to cut the grass to but rain prevented that thank god, besides had I done so I have no doubt that my new neighbour with the baldy Tefal head would have been out again trying to bond with me. He is one of the despised sleeveless coat brigade. The day after he moved in I saw him replacing a single screw in his garden shed door. He had one of those buff coloured leather toolbelts that the Americans are so fond of. He must have had a hundredweight of hardware hanging from that belt and all for just one screw that took him three minutes to replace.God knows why he has picked on me I must be the ...
|
| |
|
| Jackson Pollock. |
| 2007-08-11 17:07:00 |
Pollock">Jackson Pollock the biggest piss take of modern times,if not of all time, talk about the kings new clothes....
|
| |
|
| Just another day. |
| 2007-08-10 14:05:00 |
Its Friday again, last working day of the week for some. Remember the days when the only thing that kept you sane was the thought of that big fat wage packet that was shoved into your hand on a late Friday afternoon. And the thought that later on after a hurried tea and a bath you would be taking part in the age old custom of leaning on a bar trying to look cool, or displaying your latest moves on a sticky dance floor?Those were the day’s ehh? You could keep track of your money then; you knew to within a penny where you stood. These days it’s in the bank. Out of the bank, other people have control and all behind your back. For all we know whilst we sleep there could be hoards of people utilising our money to make yet more money and sunning themselves in the south of France on the prof...
|
| |
|
| Gobble,gobble,gobble. |
| 2007-08-09 17:34:00 |
I drove over to Huddersfield last night to take my Grandson to stay with my ex-wife for a week, it’s a treat my daughters children look forward to in the school holidays. They take it in turns to drive the old bat round the twist for a few days. In return she buys them sweets and drags them round charity shops where they buy yet more junk for my Daughter to trip over when they take it home.I’m not fond of going to see the wrinkly one. She insists on making me mounds of turkey sandwiches, I think she buys it in cheap just after Christmas and freezes it. What I don’t eat during the visit she will wrap in foil with another mound she made for the journey back (Just in case I get hungry) or to eat the day after for my dinner. She is fond of cats, which I am not and has several, plus there...
|
| |
|
| The Boggart and the one legged pigeon. |
| 2007-08-08 16:41:00 |
I worked late last night trying to catch up on things and as a result spent some time with Paula a young lady who worked here several years ago and has come back to answer the phone for a few hours in the evening. I had forgotten how fast she could talk, I got bugger all done of course but I was brought up to date on the last three years of her life and all in two and a half hours.It was a balmy evening and the sun still shone as I pulled out of the car park to start my journey home. There was little traffic at that time of the day and for once a quite relaxing drive. Being of good mood despite my encounter with the sleeveless one earlier in the day, I decided to take a detour and go the scenic rout. This took me past fields and parks and I realised that I hadn’t sat on a park bench and ...
|
| |
|
| Everything but the sleeves. |
| 2007-08-07 17:02:00 |
Have you noticed how those friends of the earth type old farts who wear sleeveless jackets covered in pockets and zips, are know it all buggers, why do they need so many pockets, and why do they invariably wear a turf trilby with them. One such person accosted me in Asda this morning as I was reading the back of a packet of instant dumpling mix. “Rubbish, I say its rubbish that stuff, cant beat dumplings made the old fashioned way”. I looked at him and sighed, “Really, well these da……”, he cut me off. “Huge great dumplings my Mother used to make, huge they were, she could hardly get em in the pan they were that big”. I smiled and muttered something about the good old days as I walked away. He caught me up, “Your wasting your time with that stuff, get some suit and flour...
|
| |
|
| A spot of corporal. |
| 2007-08-06 10:33:00 |
School days can be heaven or hell, depending on your outlook and the people whose charge you were in from nine in the morning until four in the afternoon. We used to have an hour and a half for dinner in those days, more than enough time to fart about on the old army camp next to the school, or find out if the rumours about Miriam Hardcore were true.I was a bit of a rebel, not a troublemaker, I had respect for teachers, but I did like to question them given the opportunity. When I was at school your future was very much in the hands of the teachers; they could make or break you. I don’t doubt that the majority of them became teachers because they wanted to influence and guide young minds and equip them with the basic tools to forge a good and happy life for themselves. The reality though...
|
| |
|
| No news is good news. |
| 2007-08-03 11:16:00 |
When I left the house yesterday morning I was bathed in glorious sunshine, I made a mental note to finish early and get some serious sunbathing done in the back garden. I like to relax now and again, drink a tin or two and just spend time thinking. I hadn’t gone far when I saw a bloody great black cloud the size of the Home Counties slowly making its way toward Manchester like the mother ship in “Independence Day”.Typical, oh well scrub mental note and don work mindset instead, not easy to do when you hate work, well not hate it but it gets so boring. Hardly anything happens at Karting2000 which is why I wasn’t looking forward to updating the newsletter. I sat in the office staring at the walls desperately trying to come up with something that was mi...
|
| |
|
| Long live the King. |
| 2007-07-31 16:26:00 |
Apart from pulling my balls out at work, fixing friends computers and giving advice and comfort to vulnerable women who have reached a watershed in their relationships, I manage Eric Summers. Eric is an Elvis impersonator and tribute artist.He is good too, actually he is very good, far better I have to say than many of the Elvis tribute artists around these days. Most think that all they have to do to become the king is to don a white jump suit, grow their sideburns and snarl sentences like “Aha, Than yu vary much and whoa moma”. Eric on the other hand has closely studied hours of video and film, listened to hundreds of the Kings recordings and spent more time in front of a mirror than Paris Hilton.One of the sad things about most Elvis impersonators is that they actually think they ar...
|
| |
|
|
| Split infinitive. |
| 2007-07-24 19:29:00 |
I’ve been informed that I “split infinitives”. Face, bothered. I also “compound split infinitives”. So!...
|
| |
|
| Billy Fish. |
| 2007-07-24 18:28:00 |
I read with sadness the other day that a member of one of the oldest families in Manchester Billy Fish, was sent down for yet another gaol term, this time he received four years for burglary. Apparently he broke in to a coppers house in the early hours, filled his burglary bag with everything valuable he could find, then discovered a Sony X-box near the TV. He had always wanted a Sony X-box. The smooth, sleek feel of the handset felt good, the graphics were superb, and the loud zapping sounds as he bumped of aliens gave him a feeling of power. He should have waited until his nights work was done and the safety of his home before playing on it though. The pops, bangs, and whooshes coming from the telly plus his excited cries of “Have it you bastard” woke ...
|
| |
|
| Eunice & Roger. |
| 2007-07-23 12:50:00 |
In the nineties I made several trips to hospital with my gall bladder, not that I could have gone without it but I was rather hoping that I might have left without it. One particular visit was due to the migration of several gallstones, which had blocked my pancreatic duct causing inflammation of the pancreas.I suffered the embarrassing condition of jaundice which turns you bright yellow, makes you smell of iodine and gives your eyes the distinct look of pickled onions (In malt vinegar of course). I was too ill to have the operation to remove the thing on that occasion so the doctors concentrated on making me fit enough for the operation at a later date. *(See Legless and Bloodied.:December)Actually I was quite ill, all that day I had been in a fever and hallucinating, at one point I was c...
|
| |
|
| Girl Vs Dog. |
| 2007-07-19 13:07:00 |
I was reading some of my old posts yesterday and it seams that the most exciting part of my day is usually the drive in to work in the morning. Today was no exception and it made me think about people’s values and priorities.I had just filled up with petrol at Manjikes garage and was waiting for a gap in the traffic to join the main road and continue my journey. On the opposite side of the road there were two people who were definitely in panic mode. A woman accompanied by three Dalmatian dogs on leads, and a rather rotund chap wearing a white and orange hooped top (Does my belly look big in this) in charge of two vicious looking Alsations and a tiny terrier type animal with a bow on its furry head.The terrier had made a break for freedom and was excitedly running in and out of the way o...
|
| |
|
| Well. well, well. |
| 2007-07-18 15:50:00 |
So, spring onions are so called because of the time of the year at which they appear and not for their ability to regain their original shape after being stepped on. You learn something new every day....
|
| |
|
| Road to hell. |
| 2007-07-17 14:31:00 |
I was a little fed up last night for no particular reason; sleep evaded me so I decided to go for a drive.It was around three-o clock in the morning that I found myself on the outskirts of Manchester wondering why I had bothered. Not for me the solitude and tranquillity of that chap in the advert on TV who goes for a night drive whilst Richard Burton charms him with his silken voice banging on about plumbers, hotel porters and various tradesmen sleeping happily whilst he enjoys the pleasure of an uncluttered road.One thing for sure they didn’t film that in Manchester. Gone are the days when everything stopped at midnight. Time was if you were seen on the streets after this time the police would stop you and enquirers would be made as to what it was you were up to. No, these days go down ...
|
| |
|
| |
 |
|
| |
| |
|
 |
