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Statistics |
| Unique Visitors: 193 |
| Total Unique Visitors: 1629629 |
| Visitors Out: 1115 |
| Total Visitors Out: 1115 |
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| The "I Have Cooties!!" Offensive |
| 2008-05-07 17:13:00 |
No offense but:Yes, I, Chelle B. have the dreaded cooties.Don't worry, I'm sure I'll survive it.Maybe.*sniffles**coughs**sighs**cries*Crawls back in bed.Why can't they just keep their cooties to themselves over at humor-blogs.com?! :*(...
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| The "Recession Proof This!" Offensive |
| 2008-05-05 12:00:00 |
Hey, no offense to all those idiots out there who feel like they are doing me a favor by giving me unsolicited financial advice on what I should be doing to "recession proof myself", but I don't really need to be told by them what to do with my money!Honestly, I can't tell you how many times lately that I've come across someone like this who thinks they are qualified to tell me how to protect my assets:Yeeeahhh.I mean, he probably can't even spell the word recession and it is obvious that he can...
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| The "Shameless? Why, Yes I Am!!" Offensive |
| 2008-05-01 14:35:00 |
Yep, it's true. I am shameless and damn proud of it! I really could care less if it offends anyone, either, because let's face it, life is too short to go around sporting an offending-ass stick all the time and I'd rather enjoy every moment of it rather than bitching and moaning about how everything and everyone offends me.I'm sure it helps that I'm not all that easy to offend. Between you and me, I prefer to be the offender and not the offendee, if ya know what I mean. *wink wink*Anyhoo... tod...
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| The "I'm Green to the Extreme!" Offensive |
| 2008-04-29 01:45:00 |
You know that old saying, 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em'?? Well, no offense, but that's exactly what I've decided to do by joining the masses and going green.Hey, don't look at me like that, it's not my fault!Look, I tried beating them but apparently they haven't made recyclable condoms yet because those eco-friendly people are very, VERY friendly and keep breeding so I am way outnumbered!It's a conspiracy, I tell you.I only have sex for fun, and not for procreation, while they are obviously ...
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| The "Yay!! It's Monday!!" Offensive |
| 2008-04-28 12:51:00 |
Well hey fellow offenders, yes it is Monday again! Yay!! Did you notice my new header? Jason over at Gorilla Sushi made it for me and I LOVE it, didn't he do a great job?!! :)Anyhoo... it's time to reveal the sad and sordid truth behind my WTF?! Friday Offensive.As usual, I received a number of hilarious (and completely WRONG!) guesses, but SO MANY of you came close enough that YOU ALL win a fabulous trip to the gayest day spa of your choice:Congratulations EVERYONE heehee!!Oh, the only catch is...
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| The "WTF?!! Friday" Offensive |
| 2008-04-25 10:55:00 |
Hey fellow offenders, it's time for WTF?! Friday again!!So, um, not to make you feel guilty or anything but I will be HIGHLY offended if you don't play along with me on this and every single upcoming and consecutive WTF?! Friday.What do you mean, 'why'?!Hey, you may or may not know this but I am very emotionally fragile from all of the offenses committed against me while growing up as the youngest of five (very not-nice) siblings, so I don't handle rejection well!That's right.It was like living ...
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| The "Pope's 4/20" Offensive |
| 2008-04-22 11:43:00 |
Hey, no offense, but isn't the Pope supposed to be setting a good example for the rest of us?? You tell me, just what the hell was he thinking, driving around America on 4/20 like this:You know that bastard probably didn't even share with his popemobile chauffeur, either!!:pI bet they celebrated 4/20 over at humor-blogs.com !!...
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| The "Yay! It's Monday!!!" Offensive |
| 2008-04-21 19:41:00 |
Hey fellow offenders, it's Monday again!! OK, so it's almost Tuesday but hey, between you and me, I am lucky to be here at all after the fun and crazy weekend I had. No, I didn't break any bones while we were out playing in the dirt with our dune buggy, but I came pretty damn close and I am very, very sore but it is worth it.Gosh, I love that thing!!Do you know what I love even more??The fact that after we came home and got all cleaned up, my hubby decided that we needed a new toy-hauler to put ...
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| The "Hey, LOBO, You Can Run but You Can't Hide!!" Offensive |
| 2008-04-16 17:06:00 |
OK, I admit that I was a bit offended after I found out that LOBO used me as a guinea pig for his little "Inside the Blogger Mind" Control Group experience. So, I decided I was going to seek revenge on him for his malicious portrayal of me as being some kind of maniacal blogger who only thinks about one thing - global annihilation:I know!!I mean, anyone who knows me knows this is simply NOT true!! I am much more like Mary Poppins than he gives me credit for:Honestly! That's the real me!!OK, so m...
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| The "Don't Offend the Midgets!!" Offensive |
| 2008-04-15 13:15:00 |
An actual Dear Abby letter:DEAR ABBY: This is the third time the subject has come up in conversation, and we need an answer so we can stop arguing. The question: Is it OK to call a Little Person a midget or a dwarf? Should they just be referred to as Little People or LPs? Please tell me what is correct. -- LITTLE PROBLEM IN SEATTLE DEAR LITTLE PROBLEM: Most people of any height would prefer to be referred to by name rather than labeled. However, according to the Billy Barty Foundation, term...
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| The "Yay! It's Monday!!" Offensive |
| 2008-04-14 01:20:00 |
Hey, no offense to all of you Monday haters out there, but I happen to love Mondays!! Yep, it's my favorite day of the week and do you know why? Because from now on, Mondays are when I'll be posting the true stories behind my new WTF?! Friday Offensives.That's right, and in case you missed the last one, here is the title, picture and clues:WTF?! Happened to my Sister's New Kitten???(Yes, that IS me circa age 8!!)1) my twin sized waterbed (with a Hello Kitty comforter, of course!)2) my sister's b...
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| The "WTF?! Friday" Offensive |
| 2008-04-11 16:19:00 |
Hey fellow offenders, it's Friday again and time for my 2nd installment of WTF?! Friday!Hooyah!!The rules are SO simple! I give you a picture of myself along with 5 clues and you try to figure out the ugly facts of the TRUE offensive tale all on your own.I'll post the whole true and terribly sordid story from my traumatic childhood over the weekend on my Weekender Offender post.Whoever plays along will win something really great!!.(Last week it was free tacos from Jesus's taco truck!! Yumm!!)Ok!...
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| The "You Like It, It Likes You!" Offensive |
| 2008-04-10 11:45:00 |
So no offense, but I LOVE old things!! The older, the better! In fact, last year, I found this old 7-up can which I thought was so frigging cool, because not only was it old and rusty but it was obviously from the era before they made pop-tops on soda cans.Plus, whoever opened it with a can opener did so on the bottom, leaving it looking as though it had never been opened:See what I mean?!!I just love that can!!Yes, I am a dork, I admit it. :)It really cracks me up that the slogan on the 7UP can...
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| The "Church Signs Say the Darndest Things Part 2" Offensive |
| 2008-04-06 13:48:00 |
I don't know why, but Sundays always make me feel like casting aside my offensive thoughts to take the time to contemplate the deeper, more spiritual things in my life. It is a day for reflecting on all my blessings and to really work on being a better person.OK, I'm lying, Sundays make me really only think of two things:1) I wish Jesus's taco truck was open today.2) The church sign generator is too much frigging fun to play with!My first round of church signs still brings more traffic to my blo...
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| The "WTF?! Friday Challenge" Offensive |
| 2008-04-03 22:57:00 |
That's right, I did make up my own cool 'day of the week thing', like Wordless Wednesday or Half Naked Thursday (which I chickened out of today) and I am calling mine "WTF?! Friday Challenge" and you better participate or I will say WTF?! and probably Fatwa you, too.The rules are simple!!I start by giving you a picture and some clues, and then you get to try and tell the whole "Offensive" story of the picture with the clues I give you!!It SOUNDS pretty easy, huh?!Hehe, we'll see. :)So for my 1st...
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| The "Cute, Cuter, Cutest!" Offensive |
| 2008-04-03 11:15:00 |
No offense, but some things are just SOOOOOOO DAMN CUTE it makes me sick. Especially little things. They are always the cutest. I dare you to name one thing that isn't cute in a minature version!Just one.Oh, heh, OK, well yeah, you're right about that one thing.Those things are better when they come in large size, even extra, EXTRA large.Hooyah!!Anyhoo... now I'm all flustered. Ugh. You are such a pervert!!Now what the hell was I talking about??OH YEAH!Everything else is better miniaturized, tak...
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| The "You Really Suck and That's Sad!" Offensive |
| 2008-04-01 03:23:00 |
No offense, but I found this and it reminded me of you:It's true!!So between me and you, tell me, what the hell happened to you anyway? Let me guess, did your mommy not breastfeed you as a child, or what?Ugh.Honest, please stop coming here because I really can't stand you and your obnoxious comments anymore.Hey, I'm serious!In fact, Jesus hates you too, so stop going over to his taco truck. He told me today that he thinks you are such a whiny bitch and he pisses in your jalepeno juice.Haha! I kn...
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| The "Yes, I DID Sink your Battleship!!" Offensive |
| 2008-03-31 16:21:00 |
You know, I'm not quite sure why, but as far back as I can remember there has been a heavy emphasis on naval and sea-faring advertising aimed at children. I mean, during my childhood, these particular ones were major influences on me:OK, maybe they didn't influence me at all and were just my favorites, but still! It wasn't just them trying to sell me on a life of swabbing the deck, either.There was also:Charlie the TunaThe Gorton's FishermanThe Love BoatOld Spice cologneFlipper rerunsCharles fro...
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| The "No, YOU Get A Life!!" Offensive |
| 2008-03-28 01:14:00 |
Now don't get all offended on me, that sticky note wasn't written about you, I wrote it for myself because, dammit, I really do need to get a life! I guess admitting I have a problem is the first step to recovery, but it took me a long time to even realize I didn't have a life!In fact, I only recognized that I had a problem when last night on that show "Intervention" they had some total loser named Bob on there who wasn't a crack head or a drunk or some freaky, wild eyed guy hopped up on Rocksta...
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| The "My Treasured Treasures" Offensive |
| 2008-03-26 01:26:00 |
So after I went over and saw my good friend VE and told him about the rather offensive grilled cheese sandwich I used to have that had an uncanny image of Larry King breastfeeding Michael Bolton mysteriously scorched onto it, I got to thinking about all the great stuff I've collected over the years.Believe me, if you are a discerning collector like myself, ebay it is where you will find the most marvelous and intriguing items in the whole wide world, all of which are just a click away if you've ...
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| The "Deliverance" Offensive |
| 2008-03-24 19:16:00 |
Hey, um, no offense if you are a fan of Chelle B., but uhh, she just left in my monster truck to go get some tacos and I don't have much time before she comes back so I'll make this quick.Being of the penile persuasion and all, I normally wouldn't ask anyone for help, but damn, I've been chained this bed of rusty nails now for... well, for however long it has taken for my own rust colored toenails to grow to such an obscene length that I can finally reach across the room and use them to type thi...
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| The "Jesus WAS My Copilot" Offensive |
| 2008-03-20 17:57:00 |
So, you know those "offensive" bumper stickers that some people always seem to enjoy getting all uptight over? I know, I love those too! In fact, I have a few of them slapped on the ass end of my monster truck.My favorite one says, "Hey, I hope you slam into the the back of my big truck and die or become horribly disfigured, you tailgating bastard!"Heh.I hate tailgaters!!Oh, and here's my other favorite one:Hooyah!!Hey, don't give me that look.I mean, I'm not a big wine drinker so I would have h...
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| The "So, What are YOU Reading?" Offensive |
| 2008-03-18 01:00:00 |
I don't know why, but I get a bit offended when certain people ask me, "so what book are you reading at the moment?". Ugh. Like it's any of their frigging business what it is that I'm reading! Maybe I can't read and I'm really touchy about it, did that ever occur to them?!Of course not.Heh. I always want to say, "Umm, what the hell do you want me to be reading? The Communist Manifesto?!".I mean, honestly.Sometimes, I actually do say, "Oh, I just finished reading 'The Marijuana Grower's Handbook...
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| The "My "Eco-Solution" to a Global Problem" Offensive |
| 2008-03-15 18:59:00 |
So, hey, no offense if you are one, but I am really, really, really getting sick of all these self-proclaimed "eco-friendly" assholes who live in the city and show up here in herds every year playing "eco-tourist".You know the type I am talking about, they are frigging everywhere you look nowadays:Ugh.I hate them!They just think they are better than me because they eat dandelion and deer scat stew and drive those little "smart cars" and leave a smaller carbon footprint than I do.Bastards.I alway...
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| The "Oh, um.. ehwww!!!" Offensive |
| 2008-03-12 01:30:00 |
(This is my 1st Wordless Wednesday post. I'm not supposed to talk, just put up a picture and let you do the talking for me. Hope you like the picture I picked! I thought it was.. oh, heh, I'm not supposed to talk, oops! Sorry Wordless Wednesday rule making people!!)(Since I can't say anything I'm adding the following wordless reactions I personally had below)...
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| The "A Preview of Things to Come" Offensive |
| 2008-03-09 11:00:00 |
Well, no offense, but pretty soon I will be switching gears from my winter bitching to my spring and summer bitching. That's right, the snow is melting and it won't be long before my backyard will look like this 'I-don't-have-time-to-sit-on-the-computer-and-annoy-you-with-my-cabin- fever-induced-offenses-because-I-live-in-frigging-paradise-and-have-better- things-to-do-all-day' postcard again:Hooyah!Yep, and I will get to pack away all the sweaters and gloves and scarfs, and bring out the shorts...
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| The Weekender Offender "Tattoo Me!" Edition! |
| 2008-03-08 15:39:00 |
Hey fellow offenders, it's the weekend again and this Weekender Offender is dedicated to ME!! That's right, I am the bestest fecking offender ever in the history of offenders, and to prove it I added a picture of myself up there just for you.No, I am not picking my nose in that picture, I am only pretending to. I am really flipping you off!See how good I am at this offending business?Hooyah!!!To celebrate, this weekend I decided I am going to get a new tattoo and I'd love it if you would help me...
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| The "I Like This Mike Better!" Offensive |
| 2008-03-07 12:38:00 |
Well, since Mike Holmes seems to still be all offended and keeps renewing his restraining order against me, I've decided to find a new Mike to love. Lucky for me there are plenty of them out there, and that I happen to have the Discovery Channel!!They have all the best Mike's on that channel.It should be called Discover Mike Channel, really.In fact, that's where I found this guy. He is my new and improved Mike:Oh yeaaaah. Mike Rowe is my new Mike.He is much handsomer than that easily offended Ca...
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| The "I Hate Everything Today!!" Offensive |
| 2008-03-03 11:40:00 |
So, no offense but I am a bit grumpy and I just hate everything today!! (Well, everything but you, because you are my #1 fan, of course! ;)I will admit, I may have a *bit* of a problem controlling myself when I get grumpy. Once in a while I do some very not-nice things to try to make myself feel better.Like one time I did this to my hubby's car after he forgot to put the lid down on the toilet:I also did this to my neighbor's mailbox when she didn't wave at me, but only one time:Oh, and one time...
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| The "Fatwa the Rest of You, Too!!" Offensive |
| 2008-02-27 09:43:00 |
Well, let me just say, my Fatwa list is a lot longer than before!There were quite a few readers who had some well deserving, highly Fatwa-able bastards in mind and I am more than happy to oblige!You know me, I am nice that way! :)The requests were great, too!Like, .45 who wants me to Fatwa yuppies.Now, I wasn't sure if it was just the ones in his neighborhood or ALL of them in the world, so to be safe I put them all on my list.They are so frigging annoying with their stupid little "smart" cars a...
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| The "Hey, Fatwa You Too!!" Offensive |
| 2008-02-25 10:37:00 |
Well, GOOD MORNING!! What a great Monday!! I am soooo damn happy, my conversion to Islam and subsequent Fatwas against winter are working out better than I could have ever imagined! The weather outside is just lovely, and when I turned on the news I almost couldn't believe the forecast for the whole week: I know, NO SNOW!!! Hooyah!!Oh, and I got a new weatherman, too! Doesn't he look kinda familiar? I think he used to host America's Funniest Videos or something.Anyhoo... I decided that since my ...
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| The "For the Record, Mr. Angry Man!" Offensive |
| 2008-02-22 01:00:00 |
So, I won't mention names or anything, but in my "Bring on the Global Warming!" Offensive, some "Angry Man" practically accused me of being one of those Pro-White Idaho Bloggers that you always see on Fox News, and let me tell you, I was almost offended!!!I know, what a bastard, huh!!(Just between you and me, I ROFLMAO because I thought it was funny as hell, but don't tell him I said that! ;)Anyhoo... before some other Angry commentator of the Penile Persuasion gets the wrong idea and calls up t...
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| The "Bring on the Global Warming!!" Offensive |
| 2008-02-21 02:05:00 |
So um, no offense, but I am becoming a very big fan of global warming. In fact, I am probably the biggest fan global warming has ever had at this point!!I live in the arctic zone here in Idaho, so when I hear people bitching about global warming, I just want to bury them in the twelve feet of snow that is still outside my house right now and see how they like it.Ugh!!!That's right, I want global warming to happen so badly and I don't really care who it offends because I am soooooo very, very, ve...
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| The "Vengeance is Mine!!" Offensive |
| 2008-02-19 11:53:00 |
So you know that old saying, "Hell hath no fury like a woman locked in a bunker while her husband shoots arrows at a pinata target that looks like her and sings 'Jesus is just alright with me' all day."??That's right, and I made up a new one to go with it: "Vengeance is mine sayeth Chelle B.!!!".Yep, and nobody is better at vengeance OR fury than I am.Nobody!! Heh, just ask Jesus! :)Oh, wait, I almost forgot, you can't!!!I know what you're thinking, "Chelle B., you didn't! That poor Jesus!!".Ple...
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| The "Votes For Willy's Book Title!!" Offensive |
| 2008-02-18 11:07:00 |
Well...... I survived my weekend of offending (boy was it fun, hooyah!) and now it is Monday and every muscle aches but here I am because it is time to announce the 3 top entries for the "What Was Willy Reading" contest!!Yay!!Now then, before I announce the finalists and open the polls, I wanted to dedicate this post to my two favorite non-sex toys. Which one do you think is my very, very, very most favorite of the two?Ha! It is a trick question, the answer is: neither one! They are BOTH my favo...
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| The "The Tacos From Hell" Offensive |
| 2008-02-13 11:27:00 |
So, you know that song by the Doobie Brothers, "Jesus is Just Alright With Me"?? Ugh, I hate that song now! It is such a lie!!That's right, Jesus so isn't alright with me. I think I hate him more than that song, even, and as soon as I possibly can, I am so getting a new taco truck driver!!Yep, you heard me. I will never eat another taco made by Jesus as long as I live!!Ever.Not even if he begs me.Or puts extra, extra jalapeños on it.Ha! I probably won't even buy nearly as much of his sticky, im...
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| The "Look Whose Best Willy Won!!" Offensive |
| 2008-02-12 10:55:00 |
Well, folks, we have a winner of our first "What Was Willy Thinking?" contest!! Thanks to everyone who voted, (and a big thanks to Claire and Willy for being such great sports!!)It was a tight race, no pun intended, and we almost found ourselves with a tie between Matt-Man and Roger!! If that had been the case, I was planning on making them tell me what their Willy's were thinking at the moment and whoever made me LOL harder would have won!!Boy am I glad we didn't have to go there! :pAnyhoo... a...
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| The "What Was Willy Reading??" Contest |
| 2008-02-10 18:19:00 |
So now that you all have had the pleasure of meeting Claire's Willy, and you helped make the last "What Was Willy Thinking?" contest so fun and arousing, it is time for the second installment!I know! It is so fun to play with Willy. :)Now then, you already know how much our little Willy loves a good, hard workout, so we thought it was time to show the intellectual side of our beloved little love monkey.(Willy is not just a mindless love-muscle, you know!! He has a very large intellect to go with...
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| The "R.I.P., Chelle B." Offensive |
| 2008-02-10 01:30:00 |
Chelle B.: Friend and fellow offender.Gone, but not forgotten.Yep, that's right, this is is my last post!! By the time you read this, my funeral will probably be over and my ashes will have been scattered over the tops of the Grand Tetons, or at least in a jar in the backseat of the truck ready to go.I know! I will miss you too!!Don't tell the other offenders, but you were always my favorite.You LOL'd at all of my offenses, you entered my new Offended Blogger "What Was Willy Thinking?" contest, ...
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| The Weekender Offender - Willy Edition! |
| 2008-02-09 01:00:00 |
Welcome to a very special edition of the Weekender Offender, featuring the final voting for this week's "What Was Willy Thinking?" caption contest!!We had quite a rousing reaction to our first ever Willy competition, with nearly 70 entries, and it was extremely stimulating for Claire and I to see all of the wonderful and funny responses. Of course, Willy was beyond excited and he is simply ready to burst now that we have reached this week's climax!!I'm sure you know that was not easy to select t...
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