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Statistics |
| Unique Visitors: 0 |
| Total Unique Visitors: 1873168 |
| Visitors Out: 8131 |
| Total Visitors Out: 41339 |
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| The "Not In MY Backyard!" Offensive |
| 2009-11-03 01:00:00 |
For my first contribution to this month's Humor Bloggers Unite Against Injustice Campaign, I've decided to tackle an issue that hits close to home for me: wild coyotes who feast upon the innocent flesh of unsuspecting teenage folk singers.
I know!
And it happened right in my own backyard!!
OK, so it actually happened in some remote area of Canada, but still. The very idea that it could happen in my backyard is chilling to say the least and we both know that it won't be long before the Canadian coyotes will be bragging to the Montana coyotes and they'll tell the Idaho coyotes and...
I know!
I mean it's bad enough that I have to worry about being eaten alive by hobo spiders, grizzly bears, rabid wolves and psychopathic serial killing cannibals who are just passing through on their way to Florida, but now if I decide to sell all of my guns and buy a second hand acoustic guitar and wander off into the "beauty and serenity" of the woods looking for inspiration for my next song, I have...
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| The "What Have You Done For Me Lately?" Offensive |
| 2009-10-29 09:00:00 |
After dropping some serious dinero today (read: taco truck money) on enough Halloween candy to give every starving Ethiopian child juvenile diabetes, I had to seriously reconsider whether or not all of the little trick-or-treaters who might show up at my door 2 nights from now are worth sharing it with.
It almost made me feel guilty that it only took me all of .0000005 seconds to realize that NO they sure the hell aren't worthy!
Hey, it's not my fault that not one of those little bastards have come by even once this year to offer to pull weeds or rake leaves or muck out the barn! Well at least none have offered to do any of those things for free, and I'm sorry but if they have the balls to expect me to pay them to shovel horse shit, then I should have the balls to charge them for candy when they show up begging at my door, right?!
Right.
Heh.
I can just see their sad little faces now.
Between you and me, I'm banking on the fact that most of them only have a 2nd grade education...
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| The "I Smell Sex and Candy" Offensive |
| 2009-10-28 03:56:00 |
So after visiting the local Halloween Boo-tique for the third time this week trying to choose which saucy wench costume to buy, I realized two things. One, the Marci Playground song "Sex and Candy" was stuck in my head for no apparent reason and two, if the ACLU showed up for an unannounced inspection the people who run that place would be in bigggg trouble!
I mean it was obvious to even a lay person that they didn't give a second thought to political correctness whatsoever when they set up their displays because there were Rastafarian hats hanging right next to the velvet pimp daddy suits which were within viewing distance of those creepy Obama masks.
I know!
Plus, there were several highly inappropriate costumes and props which made reference to other illegal activities and many of those were strategically positioned to face the pregnant nun costume.
Which I bought.
Because I love Jesus that much.
Hooyah!!
At least I thought it was great until I came home with my pregnant nu...
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| The "My Ouija Board Hates Me" Offensive |
| 2009-10-26 12:41:00 |
You know, you'd think with the Halloween season upon us my Ouija board dude would be a bit more cheerful and hospitable but instead, he won't even talk to me and it is really starting to piss me off!
Seriously, no matter what I do, I get the same response:
That's right.
Nothing!!
But I know what he's thinking.
:(
Thanks, I feel sorry for me too!
It wasn't always this way, though. It used to be that he'd talk to me and tell me things like "I'm going to kill you" and "show me your tits" but I guess the honeymoon wore off after I started bugging him incessantly to give me the winning lottery tickets, which he never frigging did.
:(
It probably didn't help that I also bugged him constantly to let me talk to someone cooler than him (like Ted Bundy or Jack the Ripper or Billy Mays) and I think he finally had enough when I started asking him to move heavy furniture for me, but honestly, if he can move that little pointer thingy to spell out "show me your tits again and I'll do wh...
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| The "Shameless Whoring for HBDC" Offensive |
| 2009-10-25 01:00:00 |
That's right, I'm exerting my God-given right to practice shameless whoring in order to promote the Halloween Humor Carnival over at Humor Bloggers dot com. For the entire week, the front page there will be filled with humorous Halloween themed posts written by participating Carnival members.
Hooyah!
Don't miss it!
Make sure you stop over daily and check it out!
Don't look at me like that, I said GO!!!
:)*** THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO MY OFFENSES!!! ***...
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| The "BYOC" Offensive |
| 2009-10-24 01:36:00 |
And the Weekender Offended Award goes to....
The South African Makhonya Royal Trust for their plan to perform a ritual animal sacrifice in order to bless the stadium and bring a little culture to the 2010 World Cup.
Oh, and it might piss off a few of my friends at PETA which earns them extra points. :)
*** THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO MY OFFENSES!!! ***...
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| The "Thank You, Come Again!" Offensive |
| 2009-10-21 08:00:00 |
I believe I've mentioned before that it is wrong to stereotype. Wrong, wrong, WRONG. As in not right. It can be downright offensive, even. Especially if you look like an Aryan and live in Idaho, like I do!
However...
If you're like me, you can't help but notice and make assumptions about certain 'types' of people no matter how hard you try, right?
Right!
I mean honestly, can I help it that I can spot a taco truck driver and assume his name is Jesus from a mile away (or that I assume his tacos with extra, extra jalepenos will be delicious - hooyah!!)???
No, I can not.
And is it my fault that I assume every pair of well groomed, suit-wearing, bicycle-riding young men around here are Mormons (or that I think they belong to a cult and should be out sewing their oats instead of trying to preach to the frigging choir because what the hell sort of mission is it to be sent from one Mormon hell to another anyway, shouldn't they be sent to Uganda or Belize or some shit so they can be chase...
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| The "U.C.D.S." Offensive |
| 2009-10-17 01:00:00 |
And the Weekend Offender Award goes to......
The Ugly Children Disposal Service of St. Louis, MO
*** THANK YOU FOR SUBSCRIBING TO MY OFFENSES!!! ***...
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| The "Misconstrued News (That I Peruse)" Offensive |
| 2009-10-06 01:20:00 |
For some reason, every time I read the news I seem to find a few headlines which, at first glance, appear to be misleading and/or potentially offensive.Then I get all excited and click on them and 9 out of 10 times the articles themselves turn out to be utterly boring so I quit reading them and write angry, offensive letters to the editor.Like I did for these recent ones:Fat skunk gives up bacon buttiesThis is from the BBC and knowing those freaks I opted not to even click to find out what the hell bacon butties are after learning the hard way what black pudding consists of:Yeahhhhh.Bloody hell, indeed!No wonder my ancestors stowed away on pirate ships to get away from there!Speaking of which, here is a good one:Crabs can feel pain.OK, sure, it sounds innocent enough but think about it for...
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| The "No Fair! I Want My Own Dwarf Commune!!" Offensive |
| 2009-10-04 17:41:00 |
Apparently, in communist China of all places, there is a group of dwarfs who have decided that they are sick of being bullied by the rest of us and have created their very own dwarf utopia.I know! It's so not fair!I mean why can't I have my own dwarf village???OK, technically I'm a few inches from being an actual dwarf, but as an American I should be allowed to start my own exclusive commune, right?Right!It would be so awesome to have my very own village full of ONLY people like myself: blond haired, blue eyed patriots who love to hunt and fish and stock our secret, underground, Armageddon bunkers with guns and ammo......and we'd only listen to Rammstein and teach our little blond haired, blue eyed patriot children that there is a vast government/Google conspiracy and...You're right.If I d...
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