 |
 |
|
|
| |
| |
| |
|
Statistics |
| Unique Visitors: 0 |
| Total Unique Visitors: 1401270 |
| Visitors Out: 4874 |
| Total Visitors Out: 11617 |
|
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
| The Bahamas has the Bomb |
| 2010-07-20 08:07:00 |
CWT, Miami. A confidential CWT source inside the Bahamian Defense Ministry claims that country is now in possession of a fully operational medium range nuclear ballistic missile. The source, who requests his identity be withheld, says the weapon was offloaded under cover of darkness at the cargo terminal in Freeport, Grand Bahama Island, and currently remains in the bulk freight terminal while the government searches for enough willing workers to move it. The Bahamas has no army or air force; the defense of the country is the responsibility of the The Royal Bahamas Defense Force, consisting only of the Bahamian Navy - as the missile is a land based mobile surface to surface weapon, our source reports intense finger pointing and recriminations among government officials responsible for t...
|
| |
|
| Immigrant Catapult Stymies U.S. Border Patrol |
| 2010-06-09 09:06:00 |
CWT, Along the Rio Grande, Texas. A month long on-site investigation by Cats With Thumbs field reporters confirms illegal immigrants from Mexico are being launched over the border in increasing numbers by a massive catapult. U.S. Border Patrol agents on location along the Texas-Mexico border have dubbed the device "Jose Cuer-throw" and are at a loss for an effective countermeasure. "Beats anything I've ever seen," a confidential Border Patrol contact told our CWT reporter at the scene; "one minute you're minding your own business walking the fence line, next thing you know a family of four comes sailing overhead at better than 80 miles an hour. By the time we get to where we think they should have landed, they are long gone."CWT reporters traveled to Mexico and were granted exclusive acce...
|
| |
|
| United Kingdom to Petition World Court for Return of Original 13 U.S. Colonies |
| 2009-05-24 06:25:00 |
CWT, London, England. A confidential source inside the United Kingdom Office of the Secretary of State for Foreign and Commonwealth Affairs reports that Her Majesty's ministers are finalizing a petition to the United Nations World Court for the return of the original 13 English colonies in the United States lost as a result of the American War for Independence. CWT's contact, who asked their name be withheld, told our reporter at London Station, " the ministers are absolutely giddy with anticipation of a favorable decision - they appear confident the petition will stand on the legal merits and believe the much maligned U.N. is ready to stick it to the U.S. if given the opportunity."When asked by our CWT London Bureau why England would consider such a provocative move against a long time al...
|
| |
|
| White Rapper Files Racial Discrimination Lawsuit |
| 2008-03-28 20:02:00 |
CWT - Atlanta. Cats With Thumbs sources inside the Dekalb County, Georgia courthouse report white rap artist " Snack-Cracker " will file a civil lawsuit early next week claiming racial discrimination and violation of his civil rights. CWT's contacts say the suit will name KillEveryBodyNow Productions L.L.C. and company chairman Thomas Wilson as defendants.According to Cats With Thumbs insiders, the suit will charge KillEveryBodyNow Productions and chairman Wilson with "conspiring to deny the plaintiff (Snack-Cracker) his constitutional right to equal consideration for employment," and "exclusion of Mr. Cracker from contract consideration based on the plaintiff's Caucasian race."In a telephone interview, Snack told our Cats With Thumbs Atlanta reporter: "The rap majority is always tryin' t...
|
| |
|
| Canada to Annex North Dakota, Residents "Quite Pleased" |
| 2008-02-07 09:00:00 |
CWT - Bismark, ND. Cats With Thumbs midwest affilate reports year long secret negotiations between the U.S. & Canada are in the " final stages, " and the U.S. State of North Dakota is expected to become the 11th Canadian Province before the end of 2008. If the annexation proceeds as planned, it will be the first peaceful reduction of United States continental territory and the first and only U.S. State to be sold to another country. The Canadian Department of Foreign Affairs and International Trade refused official comment when asked for verification by CWT reporters on location in Ottawa. A Canadian Foreign Affairs official told Cats With Thumbs off the record: " We couldn't be happier - as you are no doubt aware, Canada is seldom at the forefront of global media interest and the cou...
|
| |
|
| Aliens Make Contact, Request "No Further Communication" |
| 2008-01-29 17:48:00 |
CWT - Hat Creek, CA. A confidential Cats With Thumbs source at the SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) Allen Telescope Array confirmed to our reporter several messages originating from at least 25,000 light years away were received on December 18, 2007 at the Hat Creek monitoring station and verified by SETI scientists at the University of California, Berkley: " This should have been a red-letter day for SETI and the Nation," our source confided on condition he remain anonymous; " instead, we finally hear from intelligent beings outside our solar system and they tell us to stop bothering them. To put it bluntly, they think we're crackpots."The SETI mission, according to their website " is a passive experiment, designed only to look for signals, not to send them. However, huma...
|
| |
|
| Ku Klux Klan Attempts Makeover, Americans "Unimpressed" |
| 2008-01-22 07:34:00 |
CWT - Aboard the Motor Vessel "Eva Braun" Somewhere in the South Atlantic. In an exclusive interview, exiled Grand Wizard of the White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan Absalom Knib revealed to Cats With Thumbs a long range plan to revamp and revitalize the moribund white supremacist terror organization. Knib told CWT he aims to make the KKK " more user friendly " and " in touch with the younger generation."The Ku Klux Klan, with its long history of violence, is the most infamous — and oldest — of American hate groups. Although black Americans have typically been the Klan's primary target, it also has attacked Jews, immigrants, homosexuals and, until recently, Catholics. Over the years since it was formed in December 1865, the Klan has typically seen itself as a Christian organization, alth...
|
| |
|
| IRS to Target Homeless "Scofflaws" |
| 2008-01-17 11:38:00 |
CWT - Washington, DC. A confidential Cats With Thumbs source inside the United States Internal Revenue Service reports a new IRS policy will focus on "generating additional tax revenue from citizens without a permanent address or domicile." The new initiative, detailed in an internal IRS white paper obtained by Cats With Thumbs, " will aggressively collect long overdue tax obligations from unreported panhandling, begging, and windshield washing incomes from those citizens who have thus far avoided payment by refusing to maintain a fixed address or location." The IRS source, who asked that his name be withheld, told CWT, " There's millions, maybe billions of undocumented dollars out there in those little bags and paper cups - we didn't go after it before because, frankly, the collection pro...
|
| |
|
| On the Campaign Trail - Special to Cats With Thumbs |
| 2008-01-12 09:18:00 |
CWT - Cats With Thumbs Headquarters, Charleston, SC. Democratic and Republican Presidential candidates recently visited South Carolina to drum up support and energize their respective campaigns. Cats With Thumbs took advantage of the opportunity and hit the streets to get reactions and opinions from citizens across our home State. CWT will feature 4 of the front runners in each issue this week - here's what the people had to say:Barack Obama"How old is he? He looks like the kid that bags my groceries, and he always squishes my bread."Ermeline Thelp, Charleston."I don't think my Mom likes him; I heard her say she'd like to throw down with him - he looks like the man that fixes things in the bedroom when Daddy isn't here."Billy Farraday, Greenville."Too preachy. That's all he does - preach, ...
|
| |
|
| Animal Actors on Strike - Hollywood Scrambles to Find Replacements |
| 2008-01-11 18:13:00 |
CWT - Hollywood. Cats With Thumbs Los Angeles Bureau reports that members of the Professional Animal Workers Society (P.A.W.S.) have staged an industry wide strike to protest low wages, substandard food, and unacceptable housing. P.A.W.S. is believed to represent over 8000 mammals, reptiles, and amphibians working as actors in movies, television, and advertising; CWT was unable to verify the exact membership roll, as none of the P.A.W.S. public relations officers contacted by Cats With Thumbs were able to communicate in a known human dialect. CWT learned of the unprecedented animal action from a source inside a major advertising firm that specializes in animal theme marketing campaigns. When questioned by Cats With Thumbs, the production assistant was adamant the animal union was on walko...
|
| |
|
| |
 |
|
| |
| |
|
 |
