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Statistics |
| Unique Visitors: 140 |
| Total Unique Visitors: 851471 |
| Visitors Out: 348 |
| Total Visitors Out: 348 |
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| White Rapper Files Racial Discrimination Lawsuit |
| 2008-03-28 20:02:00 |
CWT - Atlanta. Cats With Thumbs sources inside the Dekalb County, Georgia courthouse report white rap artist " Snack-Cracker " will file a civil lawsuit early next week claiming racial discrimination and violation of his civil rights. CWT's contacts say the suit will name KillEveryBodyNow Productions L.L.C. and company chairman Thomas Wilson as defendants.According to Cats With Thumbs insiders, the suit will charge KillEveryBodyNow Productions and chairman Wilson with "conspiring to deny the plaintiff (Snack-Cracker) his constitutional right to equal consideration for employment," and "exclusion of Mr. Cracker from contract consideration based on the plaintiff's Caucasian race."In a telephone interview, Snack tol...
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| Canada to Annex North Dakota, Residents "Quite Pleased" |
| 2008-02-07 09:00:00 |
CWT - Bismark, ND. Cats With Thumbs midwest affilate reports year long secret negotiations between the U.S. & Canada are in the " final stages, " and the U.S. State of North Dakota is expected to become the 11th Canadian Province before the end of 2008. If the annexation proceeds as planned, it will be the first peaceful reduction of United States continental territory and the first and only U.S. State to be sold to another country. The Canadian Department of Foreign Affairs and International Trade refused official comment when asked for verification by CWT reporters on location in Ottawa. A Canadian Foreign Affairs official told Cats With Thumbs off the record: " We couldn't be happier - as you are no doubt aware, Ca...
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| Aliens Make Contact, Request "No Further Communication" |
| 2008-01-29 17:48:00 |
CWT - Hat Creek, CA. A confidential Cats With Thumbs source at the SETI (Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence) Allen Telescope Array confirmed to our reporter several messages originating from at least 25,000 light years away were received on December 18, 2007 at the Hat Creek monitoring station and verified by SETI scientists at the University of California, Berkley: " This should have been a red-letter day for SETI and the Nation," our source confided on condition he remain anonymous; " instead, we finally hear from intelligent beings outside our solar system and they tell us to stop bothering them. To put it bluntly, they think we're crackpots."The SETI mission, according to their website " is a passive experiment, designed only to look for signals, not to send them. However, huma...
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| Ku Klux Klan Attempts Makeover, Americans "Unimpressed" |
| 2008-01-22 07:34:00 |
CWT - Aboard the Motor Vessel "Eva Braun" Somewhere in the South Atlantic. In an exclusive interview, exiled Grand Wizard of the White Knights of the Ku Klux Klan Absalom Knib revealed to Cats With Thumbs a long range plan to revamp and revitalize the moribund white supremacist terror organization. Knib told CWT he aims to make the KKK " more user friendly " and " in touch with the younger generation."The Ku Klux Klan, with its long history of violence, is the most infamous — and oldest — of American hate groups. Although black Americans have typically been the Klan's primary target, it also has attacked Jews, immigrants, homosexuals and, until recently, Catholics. Over the years since it was formed in December 1865, the Klan has typically seen its...
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| IRS to Target Homeless "Scofflaws" |
| 2008-01-17 11:38:00 |
CWT - Washington, DC. A confidential Cats With Thumbs source inside the United States Internal Revenue Service reports a new IRS policy will focus on "generating additional tax revenue from citizens without a permanent address or domicile." The new initiative, detailed in an internal IRS white paper obtained by Cats With Thumbs, " will aggressively collect long overdue tax obligations from unreported panhandling, begging, and windshield washing incomes from those citizens who have thus far avoided payment by refusing to maintain a fixed address or location." The IRS source, who asked that his name be withheld, told CWT, " There's millions, maybe billions of undocumented dollars out there in those little bags and paper cups - we didn't go after it before because, frankly, the collection pro...
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| On the Campaign Trail - Special to Cats With Thumbs |
| 2008-01-12 09:18:00 |
CWT - Cats With Thumbs Headquarters, Charleston, SC. Democratic and Republican Presidential candidates recently visited South Carolina to drum up support and energize their respective campaigns. Cats With Thumbs took advantage of the opportunity and hit the streets to get reactions and opinions from citizens across our home State. CWT will feature 4 of the front runners in each issue this week - here's what the people had to say:Barack Obama"How old is he? He looks like the kid that bags my groceries, and he always squishes my bread."Ermeline Thelp, Charleston."I don't think my Mom likes him; I heard her say she'd like to throw down with him - he looks like the man that fixes things in the bedroom when Daddy isn't here."Bi...
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| Animal Actors on Strike - Hollywood Scrambles to Find Replacements |
| 2008-01-11 18:13:00 |
CWT - Hollywood. Cats With Thumbs Los Angeles Bureau reports that members of the Professional Animal Workers Society (P.A.W.S.) have staged an industry wide strike to protest low wages, substandard food, and unacceptable housing. P.A.W.S. is believed to represent over 8000 mammals, reptiles, and amphibians working as actors in movies, television, and advertising; CWT was unable to verify the exact membership roll, as none of the P.A.W.S. public relations officers contacted by Cats With Thumbs were able to communicate in a known human dialect. CWT learned of the unprecedented animal action from a source inside a major advertising firm that specializes in animal theme marketing campaigns...
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| U.S. Navy Donates F-14 Fighters to Greenpeace |
| 2008-01-07 08:44:00 |
CWT - San Francisco. A confidential source inside the Greenpeace environmental protection organization revealed to Cats With Thumbs the United States Navy will donate 6 recently decommissioned Grumman F-14 Tomcat multi-role strike fighter aircraft to help Greenpeace upgrade their whaling interdiction and self defense capabilities. A highly placed Greenpeace operative, speaking off the record, told CWT: "This will change our entire environmental defense paradigm - we've been taking it on the chin from the fishing conglomerates for years; it's a whole new ball game now." The U.S. Navy Public Affairs Office at Patuxent River, MD. refused to comment when contacted for verification by Cats With Thumbs. A U.S. Navy Captain involved with the final F-14 decom...
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| Illegal Immigrants Discovered Aboard International Space Station |
| 2008-01-03 15:39:00 |
CWT-Houston. Cats With Thumbs Texas Bureau has learned from a confidential source at the NASA Johnson Space Center that five illegal immigrants were discovered aboard the United States Space Shuttle Discovery soon after it docked with the International Space Station on October 25, 2007. The three Ukrainian and two Romanian nationals were found inside a Shuttle Discovery cargo pod used to transport supplies from the earth to the space station. All five stowaways had obtained and were wearing NASA standard issue pressure suits; CWT's inside source reported all five were in "good health and jolly spirits" when th...
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| Pope to Convert, Join Southern Baptists - Vatican "Dumbfounded" |
| 2007-12-31 16:32:00 |
CWT-Vatican City. Cats with Thumbs Italian station reports Pope Benedict XVI will announce his resignation from the papacy and conversion to the Southern Baptist religion - sources inside the Vatican say Pope Benedict will make a public resignation Wednesday during the scheduled 10:00AM Papal Audience at St. Peter's square. The Vatican press office would neither confirm nor deny the report when asked for an explanation by CWT reporters - several Cardinals, speaking on condition their names be withheld, said they were " shocked, dismayed, and, dumbfounded " at the news. " We just put that whole 'priests and child abuse mess' behind us, and now this," lamented one distraught bishop, " I mean, Jesus, Mary, and Joseph; it's one...
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| Unfortunately, a Personal Note |
| 2007-12-29 14:59:00 |
Our great friend Grandpa passed away this morning. We found him wandering around the neighborhood in May; fur in patches, way underweight, with severe back and allergy problems. He's been to our vet at least one day a week since we found him - steroids, clavamox, baytril, elavil, etc . . . We took him in Friday for another short term steroid injection; this morning he developed severe respiratory problems - we rushed him to the vet but he was gone soon after we got there. He was a fighter and wanted to live.I promised myself I would not make this blog a personal diary or a "touchy-feely" narrative, but he was my friend, he was dealt a rotten hand, and he deserves a spot in the limelight. Say a goodbye prayer for Grandpa, if you would - I miss him terribly.
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| New Study Confirms Cats Consider Humans Inferior |
| 2007-12-28 11:58:00 |
CWT - Boston. A three year study of feline behavior conducted by the American Veterinary Medical Consortium and the Winnt Foundation found that cats view people as little more than a necessary aggravation. " We finally have verifiable proof of what cat owners have long suspected," said Dr. Cyril Groom, the lead research analyst participating in the study; " the methodology for the study was comprehensive and the results were reproduced multiple times in hundreds of trials - feline psychological and emotional responses to human beings are the same as those for litter boxes, other cats, and noisy squirrels."Dr. Groom added, " We determined what we have traditionally labeled 'feline aloofness' can be attributed to ' feline phys...
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| Dalai Lama Wins Powerball Lottery |
| 2007-12-26 21:33:00 |
CWT-Dharamsala, India. CWT's Asian Bureau reports reliable sources have confirmed His Holiness the Fourteenth Dalai Lama holds a winning United States Powerball Lottery ticket. A spokesman for The Office of His Holiness the Dalai Lama (OHHDL), known in Tibetan as Kuger Yigtsang, informed CWT that the winning ticket for 338 million USD was purchased in October by an American admirer of the Dalai Lama and mailed to His Holiness in a Christmas card. " His Holiness makes every effort to read and respond to all correspondence, " said the official, " but over the holiday season we received so many cards and letters it became impossible to keep up - this one just slipped through the cracks un...
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| Wal-Mart to Buy Iraq? |
| 2007-12-25 17:41:00 |
CWT - Bentonville, AR. Confidential Cats with Thumbs sources close to Wal-Mart corporation senior management report that the retailing giant has tendered a multi-billion dollar offer for the country of Iraq; negotiations are said to be " in the final stages," and could be completed as early as January, 2008. Wal-Mart has expanded it's global reach at a record pace over the past decade, opening hundreds of outlets in Mexico, South America, China, and Japan. Tillman Bond, CWT's financial analyst, believes "owning a country outright is the next logical step for Wal-Mart. The initial capital expenditure will be huge, but given the tremendous savings they will see in reduced labor costs, regulatory compliance, and taxes, the country ownership model could show a ...
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| Putin Declared "Tsar of All the Christmases" |
| 2007-12-24 17:01:00 |
CWT-Moscow. Vladimir Putin, fresh from his successful orchestration of Russia's latest power shuffle, was awarded yet another title, " Tsar of All the Christmases," at a special assembly of the Russian Parliament. Russia's newly elected (?) President, Dmitry Medvedev, presided over the ceremony, presenting Putin with a jewel-encrusted fur cap embroidered in gold with the title " Vlad the Claus " on the brim. Duma members rose in unison and applauded as a beaming Putin declared, " now Christmas is the law."Only last week, Putin, prevented from seeking another term as President by the Russian constitution, successfully manipulated his United Russia party protege' and longtime ally Medvedev into Russia's highest office - Medvedev immediately returned the favor and appointed Putin Prime Minis...
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| Santa Goes Green for Bad Boys and Girls |
| 2007-12-23 08:23:00 |
CWT - North Pole. At a hastily called press conference this morning, lawyers for Claus, Blitzen, and Rudolph, L.L.C. revealed that company president and CEO Santa Claus has bowed to pressure from a number of environmental groups and will no longer be placing lumps of coal in the Christmas stockings of bad children. Reading from a prepared statement, attorney Garland Wreath delivered the news: "After last year's lawsuit by People Interested in Starting Something Asinine, Negative, and Trivial (P.I.S.S.A.N.T.) and the subsequent appellate ruling prohibiting us from delivering the traditional bundle of switches, we felt it would be best for the corporation and Mr. Claus to agree to the request from the political action organization Deliver Us from Holidays (D....
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