|
| |
| |
| |
|
Statistics |
| Unique Visitors: 0 |
| Total Unique Visitors: 1158040 |
| Visitors Out: 2171 |
| Total Visitors Out: 2171 |
|
|
|
| |
|
|
| |
|
| CSI: Adult Privacy Intrusion Kit |
| 2008-07-22 04:00:08 |
Dear Trends UK Limited,
I wish to draw your attention to your juvenile entertainment product, the CSI: Fingerprint Examination Kit. This product, intended for children aged ten and above, was recently purchased as a birthday present for my nephew. Although he was delighted to receive it, I cannot say the same for myself.
Using your finger dusting [...]
...
|
| |
|
| The Bad Parents Club |
| 2008-07-21 17:08:26 |
Ipswich, England — There is a new club in town…and it is becoming a bone of contention among the residents of Flatley Street, Ipswich. Since Kenny McKelley and his family moved into the street, it has become a haven for ‘bad’ parents. These people travel the world over, simply to participate in ’scoffing parties’ where [...]
...
|
| |
|
| North Korean Chat Server Gets Pwned |
| 2008-07-19 19:25:35 |
Pyongyang, North Korea — A socialist chat room for North Koreans descended into chaos this evening when American students mocked the country’s communist landmarks. American students claimed that these historical icons had more to do with “burpin da worm u fagss” than the strength of communism through the unity of workers.
Dirk Bradley, [...]
...
|
| |
|
| The Invasion of Greenland |
| 2008-07-16 08:12:22 |
Regular visitors will no doubt be aware of our long term goals, one of which being the invasion of a lump of ice adjacent to Canada.
This remote village, otherwise known as Greenland, has pestered us for months with their inability to use internets.
However, we are now glad to announce that our dream of conquering this [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Finger Pointed At McGinley |
| 2008-07-14 06:04:02 |
New York City, NY — American actor John C. McGinley is refuting claims that he was member of Gazuzu, the Italo Disco band responsible for, ‘Go Go Gorilla’. The rumour was started by self-proclaimed ‘King Of Tinternet’ and all round greebo, Justin D’Arceole.
D’Arceole claimed that while McGinley was playing Sgt. Red O’Neill in [...]
...
|
| |
|
| TCOQ: Worse Than Hitler |
| 2008-07-11 07:10:17 |
Fairly recently, an Internet user discovered our website after entering the following criteria into a search engine; “instruments phil collins have used.” As opposed to reading musical trivia on the former Genesis drummer, she instead discovered an shocking independent report.
This report details the various physical objects which Phil Collins has attempted to insert into [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Student Discovers Transparent Giraffe Creature |
| 2008-07-09 06:09:28 |
Cambridge, England — Theologists worldwide have become perplexed over shocking new evidence which could shake the very foundations of intelligent design. Students at Cambridge University were busy discussing the JFK assassination when Alexis Moreau (a foreign exchange student) made the bizarre discovery of a transparent giraffe creature.
To Moreau, the original image appeared to be [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Learning Is Fun: The Slug |
| 2008-07-08 04:47:31 |
The slug is one of the required constituents in making little boys. They are disgusting slimy, and unlike their snail cousins, they aren’t very crunchy. But fear not, beleaguered householder; you can grant the slug a hero’s death by torturing it with a cocktail stick and lighted cigarette.
Another popular demise is to watch it [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Alien Life Beneath Lunar Surface? |
| 2008-07-05 08:38:45 |
Some Valley, Wales — Police officers based in South Wales have recently dismissed the possibility of alien life in our solar system. Although an eye witness claims to have seen the alien craft, police officers were quick to negate the scientific discovery. Instead, they simply insinuated that the celestial body was little more [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Learning Is Fun: The Women’s Institute |
| 2008-07-01 20:02:32 |
The Women’s Institute (or WI) is a jam and cake manufacturing front for the cult known as The Lesser Church Of Virago.
The cult - set up in 1915 by Alyson Crowley - is comprised merely of women, post-op transsexuals and lesbians.
Only one male is allowed at any one time and this is so he can [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Wolfman Previews: Reality Television 2010 |
| 2008-06-30 07:12:49 |
You’ve Been Framed Up
Closed Circuit Television follows the lives of ordinary people framed for crimes they didn’t even commit. You’ll get to enjoy this fly-on-the-wall comedy broadcast every weekend for a whole twelve weeks.
Laughs aplenty as store assistants face jail for drug smuggling, teachers get arrested over paedophilia accusations and police officers [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Grand Theft Auto: Lancaster County |
| 2008-06-28 11:21:55 |
Last week, this game ended up becoming something of a smash hit at the office, with regular contributors fighting over who gets to play and review it first. [OFFICIAL GAME IMAGE]
We all came to a mutual agreement that I would review the game while also including a few testimonials from some of our other columnists.
Basically, [...]
...
|
| |
|
| World News Triad: June |
| 2008-06-25 19:13:06 |
Toxteth, England — Merseyside police have confirmed that the small body found in a Toxteth wheelie bin last week was the body of current Tooth Fairy, Galatea Mandibular. The body, which was found by council refuse collectors, was wrapped in an Everton scarf and had the slogan, ‘Toffeez wur ere’ written in ballpoint pen [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Casey Jones’ NYC Survival Guide |
| 2008-06-24 20:15:58 |
With all the JV low-lifes, punkers and purse-grabbing pukes, it can be a tough life in The Big Apple. So it’s a good thing I’m here to instruct you all in Pain 101.
Listen kids - if you’re ever worried about getting mugged on the streets of New York, or taking it in the ass [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Carlin Routine Is Smash Hit in Hell |
| 2008-06-24 09:50:32 |
Lake of Fire, Hell — Pioneering stand-up comic George Carlin performed a gig in Hell Monday night, to rave reviews. To an audience accustomed to tired, “hot enough for ya?” and, “lotta lawyers here tonight!” jokes, Carlin’s biting social satire was something of a revelation.
Carlin died of heart failure on Sunday at the age of [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Social Reform Meets Fundamentals |
| 2008-06-24 09:38:53 |
Louisville, KY — A new university for the socially impaired was opened today, effectively known as Act Right School. This endeavour is a long sought dream of venture capitalist Jeff Hume. The university has been opened on a one year trial basis to ensure its success before expanding and making its global debut.
“This is not [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Vampires, Hobos, GILFs |
| 2008-06-22 20:52:51 |
Some people will whittle away at their mortality as if it were some expendable commodity. In our modern age, this is achieved by searching the internet for topics relevant to their interests.
Yet when they arrive at this web page, they will seldom find what they were looking for and as such, they [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Conspiracy At The Cult Of Qelqoth? |
| 2008-06-19 05:58:08 |
Blogosphere, Teh Internets — An internet columnist for The Cult of Qelqoth threw a tantrum yesterday after failing to garner more views than anyone else on the website she writes for. Beatrix Vile, a sufferer of syphilis due to kill herself within the next ten years discovered the anomaly while hitting F5 repeatedly.
This discovery [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Eating Champ In Massive Drug Bust |
| 2008-06-18 16:00:08 |
McAllen, TX — Legendary professional eater Takeru Kobayashi was arrested at the US/Mexico border on Monday, on suspicion of drug smuggling. Drug Enforcement Agents say the six-time Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest winner had over $850,000 worth of narcotics in his stomach.
Kobayashi is the International Federation of Competitive Eating champion for bratwurst, lobster rolls, cow [...]
...
|
| |
|
| TCOQ Issues Gravatar Ultimatum |
| 2008-06-18 05:42:58 |
Newport, Wales — When news of “inappropriate content” forced Google to pull contextual advertising from The Cult of Qelqoth, administrators were left perplexed at the situation.
Unaware of what “inappropriate content” Google had actually penalised them for, administrators sought outside assistance in an attempt to gain some form of clarification.
Following two days of extensive stem cell [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Detachable Sex Stuff |
| 2008-06-17 04:58:10 |
Scotlandshire, England — According to a scientist at the University of Saint Andrews, in about twenty years time, we will all have what he refers to as “detachable sex stuff.”
This may seem like the fantasy of a geek who wanks into an argyle swampsock while searching for Hentai on the university T3. But [...]
...
|
| |
|
| BBC Article Is Rubbish, Says Tramp |
| 2008-06-16 09:00:59 |
Glasgow, Scotland — After many years being kept in the dark, The BBC has finally learned the truth about drugs and alcohol - that they can actually kill you. The BBC recently published an article which focused on obvious links between suicide and drugs. Although accurate, it was immediately met with cynical replies [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Wolfman Journals: Electric Boogaloo |
| 2008-06-12 18:51:50 |
Some of you may recall the exploits which took place at my local library. For me, it was a chance to focus on my networking skills. For others, it meant a life support system. In any case, it was clear that I needed a change of career.
There was an opening being held [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Operation Gronland: Part Two |
| 2008-06-12 07:43:28 |
Before attempting to enter the University of Greenland, I had to get my story straight.
I had decided to espouse obscure Danish pop star, Federikke, who peaked at 623 on the US Billboard Charts in 2004 with ‘Je Elske Bing-A-Banging’. I had the same peroxide hair, witless look and Amazonian chassis as she, so this seemed [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Bear Grylls on Prison Rape Survival |
| 2008-06-11 05:59:55 |
Leavenworth, KS –TCOQ was recently able to catch up with superstar Bear Grylls during the live production of a segment for his new prime-time television show, “How to Survive a Prison Rape.” The show - which focuses on tough love and rectal bleeding - hopes to provide inspiration to criminals worldwide.
Grylls is perhaps best [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Clairvoyant Sued Over Energy Price Hike |
| 2008-06-10 06:13:51 |
Blackheath, London — A contract labourer from East London is taking legal action against an amateur clairvoyant over claims of misleading information, sources have revealed today.
Philip McCrevuce, the cockney welder currently pressing charges,
is undergoing treatment for chronic depression after describing his clairvoyancy meeting as, “a load of fackin’ rubbish.”
“Listen ‘ere guv,” said McCrevuce [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Operation Gronland: Part One |
| 2008-06-07 11:36:45 |
Much to my chagrin, I received an urgent email from Qelqoth two weeks ago, asking me to travel to Greenland at my own expense. When I replied that it would be better to send a male representative, I was told, “Bitch, do as your told.”
I ensured that my inventory was well prepared on my [...]
...
|
| |
|
| A Guide To Greenland |
| 2008-06-06 10:06:19 |
Wikipedia cites Greenland as a gigantic fucking island with a land mass of eleventy hundred million square miles. In contrast, the United Kingdom appears to be an unworthy opponent with approximately five miles of inhabitable space.
But in spite of this, Britain boasts over sixty thousand billion inhabitants, asserting itself as a supreme gargantuan overlord* [...]
...
|
| |
|
| The Epic Struggle Continues |
| 2008-06-05 06:59:00 |
Comrades, these are crucial times for The Cult of Qelqoth. Our empire is growing and our lulz are strong.
But we must never allow ourselves to become complacent.
For if we fail to remain ever-vigilant, we may fall victim to the fiendish machinations of our hated enemy, Greenland.
Demonstrating that Greenland’s treachery truly knows no bounds, the [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Chris Martin Fan Letter |
| 2008-06-03 05:52:01 |
Hi Rev. Quelqoth,
It’s Chris Martin of Coldplay here. I’ve finally found time to send you a note to say how much me Jonny, Guy, and Will enjoy your website. Your wacky, zany articles really made our days at Rockfield Studio less tiresome. Guy is particularly fond of your, “Final Boss of The Internet” series, but [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Final Boss Of The Internet: Part Six |
| 2008-06-01 13:07:25 |
Part Six: FAQs
Q1. I heard there are secret bosses in the game which can be unlocked. How do I unlock them?
A1. The secret bosses made available depend on how much profit is made when playing The Internet. There are numerous factors involved and we have compiled a brief outline on how [...]
...
|
| |
|
| TCOQ Wages War With Greenland |
| 2008-06-01 06:44:23 |
Nuuk, Greenland — The Cult of Qelqoth implemented their first strike against the island nation of Greenland yesterday after several unreasonable attempts at peaceful negotiations. When Greenland’s Prime Minister, Hans Enoksen, refused to provide women, livestock and spring pineapple crop, The Cult of Qelqoth followed with their only available recourse.
The altercation between the two began [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Final Boss Of The Internet: Part Five |
| 2008-05-31 17:16:40 |
Part Five: Ultimate BSOD
Ultimate BSOD will first deploy a clone of yourself - immediately cast N00b Deflect Shield and let the clone attempt to attack you. Any attacks made against you will be deflected right back at the clone. The only exception to this rule is N00b Bolt although this will be easy [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Final Boss Of The Internet: Part Four |
| 2008-05-31 05:00:55 |
Part Four: BSOD
After being sucked into the vortex, you will find yourself inside the Blue Screen of Death, BSOD for short. The BSOD Vortex will use Zerg Rush to summon multiple versions of yourself. The BSOD vortex will also disable your N00b Heal and N00b Defence. The only weapon available will be [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Final Internet Boss Tutorial: Part Two |
| 2008-05-30 02:07:44 |
Part Two: StaringVacantly
After defeating Anonymous, Scott Willoughby (a.k.a StaringVacantly) will emerge from a portal. His basic attack will be Eye Flame; this will follow you as you move. To counter, run from one side of the room to the other, bounce off the wall and attack with your powered up N00b Lazer. [...]
...
|
| |
|
| World News Triad: May |
| 2008-05-29 06:50:18 |
Hollywood, CA — Movie tough guy, Kevin Durand had to be rescued by armed officers Saturday night after being held hostage by an angry Yellowjacket. Durand (who starred alongside John Travolta in the Village People biopic ‘Wild Hogs’) was at home playing Backgammon with two acquaintances when the wasp entered through the kitchen window.
It [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Final Internet Boss Tutorial: Part One |
| 2008-05-29 05:55:49 |
Part One: Anonymous
The Anonymous attack wave will come in two forms; singular and multitude. Anonymous acting as a singular entity will instantly launch an attack of LULZ; this will be an attempt to corrupt your LOL. Do not attack Anonymous during the LULZ attack as your LOL will die quickly. Instead, use [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Learning Is Fun: School Lessons |
| 2008-05-28 12:09:50 |
School is an inter-dimensional fascist state where miniatures (known as children) go to have their individuality removed. This is accomplished through depreciative modules known as ‘lessons’.
These modules, though ostensibly valuable, are merely a form of subliminal messaging. Lessons ensure that children grow up to help future generations destroy the planet, fnord. [...]
...
|
| |
|
| Deadly Tortoise On The Run |
| 2008-05-25 06:57:44 |
Gosport, England — The once idyllic community of Gosport has been left in the grip of terror when earlier this week, a violent tortoise escaped through a hole in a garden fence. The tortoise, known only as “Rupert” is currently at large following a string of barbaric crimes against children and dogs. [read [...]...
|
| |
|
| Gig Preview: Gerbil Flayer |
| 2008-05-22 10:08:29 |
São Paulo, Brazil — When Brazilian whizzcore rock outfit ‘Gerbil Flayer’ announced they were reforming for a one-night-only performance, clubbers and gurning ecstasy lovers were quoted as “going totally fucking nuts.” The concert, which is scheduled to take place in the main sewers of São Paulo, will be fronted by New York death metal [...]...
|
| |
|
| |
 |
