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Statistics |
| Unique Visitors: 113 |
| Total Unique Visitors: 367647 |
| Visitors Out: 768 |
| Total Visitors Out: 768 |
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| We Can Work It Out |
| 2008-05-01 04:03:40 |
The above pic is what I used to think of my boss.
It’s not.
As I’ve said before, I hate to be the biggest asshole in the room, and, sadly, the older I get, the more I realize that I often am.
It used to only happen after I’d had 20 or 30 cocktails too many, but lately, [...]...
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| Ooo-Eee-Ooo-Ahh-Ahh |
| 2008-04-30 04:06:13 |
Some of the more intuitive Fart Blossoms may have noticed that I’ve been having some mental health issues lately - anxiety attacks over pending pop albums, depression over the fact that the fine state of Georgia won’t let me buy beer on Sunday and hypo-mania in between. So, I went to the VA.
Now, remember, Fart [...]...
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| YAY! It Doesn’t Suck! |
| 2008-04-30 03:28:14 |
Imagine my relief yesterday morning, sweat beading on my forehead, when my shaking finger reached toward my iPod to press play and I heard THE BEST MADONNA ALBUM EVER!!!!!
Imagine the consternation of my co-workers as I left it on “repeat” all day yesterday. Imagine them tearing out their hair as I do the same thing [...]...
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| National Day of Silence |
| 2008-04-25 02:50:05 |
Today is the National Day of Silence sponsored by the GLSEN.
I ain’t got shit to say. I hope you don’t, either....
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| Life Is Canceled Until Further Notice |
| 2008-04-24 06:51:29 |
I have an 8,000 word term paper due in a couple of weeks.
I haven’t written a word of it.
I haven’t researched a word of it.
I sorta need to get it done.
So, while Saint Gradon is gallavanting working in Las Vegas this weekend, I’ll be sitting in front of a computer screen, loaded up on caffeine, [...]...
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| Would Someone PLEASE Buy This For Maxine??? |
| 2008-04-21 08:14:05 |
Atlanta’s Clermont Hotel is for sale, and Maxine wants it. It’s precioussssssss!
Well, it was.
It is now considered one of America’s Top 20 Dive Bars and Maxine NEEDS IT!!!!!!
They even have a stripper named “Blondie,” whose claim to fame is her talent at crushing beer cans with her breasticles!!!
We would, of course, rename it the [...]...
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| Maxine Gets Memed |
| 2008-04-19 17:15:09 |
I have been tagged with the “Fluff Five Meme” by Lumpy Lumps, so here goes…
Five Things Found In Your Bag…
This is my Ducati bag by Tumi. As you will see, it’s deceptively small.
This is all the stuff I keep in my purse, and it probably requires some explanation. On the first row, is [...]...
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| Maxine Orders a Code Red |
| 2008-04-16 11:54:54 |
Click here to read the story about the assholes from my hometown who baked a kitten.
I’m 99.99999% positive that the “two teenagers seen running from the house” are the guilty party.
I am SO FUCKING PISSED ABOUT THIS, that I just don’t know what to do.
Actually, I do know what to do.
I’m ordering a code red.
Tom [...]...
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| An Update on The Color Purples |
| 2008-04-16 10:55:19 |
I ain’t seen them bitches since they failed to pick me up for karaoke Saturday night, but…
Americans’ plane stolen in Mexico
From the Associated Press
April 16, 2008
LOS CABOS, MEXICO — Gunwomen robbed a family of U.S. tourists of its small plane Tuesday in Mexico, police said.
The robbers struck as the American couple and their [...]...
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| Dealing With The Assholism In Your Life |
| 2008-04-15 07:23:05 |
I hope ya’ll are buyin’ shitloads of T-shirts so we can make a big donation to Maxine’s Charity of the Month.
In the meantime, I wanted to tell ya’ll that I was listening to Larry Flick and his pals over at OutQ on Sirius this morning, and they was talkin’ about ridding yo’self of all the [...]...
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| Introducing Maxine’s Shop of Ill Repute!!! |
| 2008-04-14 15:17:47 |
Fart Blossoms, I’d like to make a major announcement. Maxine’s Shop of Ill Repute is now open!!!!
The absolutely useless shit you’ll find up in there is pricey as hell, but there’s a really good reason for that.
100 PERCENT OF THE PROFITS GO TO MAXINE’S CHARITY OF THE MONTH!!!
That’s right, ya’ll, every last penny of profit [...]...
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| Finding the G-Spot in Your Life |
| 2008-04-13 15:44:12 |
It took me all damned day, but here’s a bit surprise for the Fart Blossoms. I hope ya’ll enjoy!
Kisses,
Maxine...
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| Giving Back |
| 2008-04-12 03:51:57 |
Fart Blossoms, I was so taken with this new spirit of giving back last night, that I was a jumping ball of energy. I simply could not sit still, so I decided a few glasses of wine would give me the right amount of chill.
Four bottles of Two Buck Chuck later, I was even more in [...]...
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| Finding Inspiration |
| 2008-04-10 13:27:46 |
This has been the strangest morning in so many ways. In the last few hours, so many of my questions about life have been answered, and those answers have come from the most unexpected places.
First, I have to tell you that I hate my job. Hate. Loathe. Abhor. Detest. Abominate. Ya’ dig?
I am a commercial [...]...
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| Guano Loco, But… |
| 2008-04-10 11:08:09 |
I’ve taken Frankie’s advice, and now I’m much better. I’m sorry I haven’t posted in a day or so, but I needed some “Oh-shit-life-really-fucking-sucks-and-can’t-get-any-fucking-worse” time.
Now, the birds are singing, the sun is out, and my boss is out of town for two days, so all is right with the world.
Here’s an update on where things [...]...
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| Panic at the Disco |
| 2008-04-08 03:16:22 |
I’m sorry I didn’t write yesterday, Fart Blossoms, but I had the worst panic attack I’ve had in years. I was 30 seconds from hauling my ass down the street to the ho-spital, but I couldn’t decide if I should go to Crawford Long for decent medical treatment, or Grady Memorial, where they could lock [...]...
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| Services Canceled |
| 2008-04-06 07:50:23 |
Sadly, services at the Church of Ill Repute have been canceled this morning, all because of some gawdamned eggrolls.
Fridy night after work, me and the girls decided we was hungry, so we went to the Kung Fu Fightin’ Buffet for a little snacky-snack. We like to go there because the waiters refill the buffet “fast [...]...
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| Church Bulletin |
| 2008-04-04 11:51:07 |
Ya’ll need to tune in this Sundy (prolly in the afternoon, ’cause Mama might go out Saturdy night) for services up in the Church of Ill Repute. Here’s the bulletin:
Invocation by the Reverend Mother Maxine LeGay
Tithing for the Liquor Church Fund
Announcements
*Monthly Mission Trip to Injun Casino Reservation
*Choir of the Ill Repute Trip to Sizzler Practice
*Status [...]...
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| Hi, My Name is Maxine, and I’m a… |
| 2008-04-03 04:47:34 |
When I was growing up, you knew somebody was fixin’ to throw down when they took off their shirt.
It didn’t matter if the participants were male, female or transgendered - if the shirts came off, there was fixin’ to be a fight. To this day, I have no idea why people in my hometown took [...]...
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| Help Maxine Fight the Good Fight (UPDATED) |
| 2008-04-02 15:16:50 |
UPDATE: I may not have an ass, but I sure feel like one. I should have remembered (thanks, Pink Ladybugs) that “Buddy Christ” was the name of the newer, cooler Jesus from Kevin Smith’s film, “Dogma.”
I’ll write more tomorrow morning about dealing with my angry, bitter, old queen issues.
Dammit.
Ya’ll, this ol’ ho [...]...
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| Mama Needs a New Ass |
| 2008-04-02 11:41:39 |
Fart Blossoms, I’ve lost a bit of weight lately (thanks, Topomax!) and I’m now down to a 28″ waist, which I haven’t had since the 8th grade. I foolishly thought that with my tinier waist, I’d finally have an ass, but I just got done lookin’ at it in the mirror in the bathroom here [...]...
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| Jay Leno is an Asshole |
| 2008-04-02 04:21:38 |
Jay Leno is an Asshole. With a capital “A”. He’s always been an asshole, and he’ll always be an asshole. He makes me miss Johnny Carson so much, that sometimes I start cryin’ when the nightly news ends.
Now, Jay Leno has done gone and shown his assholism anew. Take a few minutes and watch what [...]...
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| Is It a Full Moon or Somethin’? |
| 2008-04-01 15:11:43 |
This shit is di-rectly from the Topix.com forum from my hometown today. Apparently, everybody in town has be done gone apeshit, ya’ll.
Fight At the Courthouse With BATS
Posted in the Caruthersville Forum
Comments
Wondir
Caruthersville, MO
#1
2 hrs ago
I just heard on the police scanner fight at the courthouse with bats then they called for an ambulance Does anyone know who [...]...
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| Ya’ll Ain’t Gonna Believe This Shit… |
| 2008-04-01 05:44:16 |
I’m… well, I’m nearly speechless. Nearly. As I’ve said before, in the South, you know yer gonna hear a good story when somebody says, “Ya’ll ain’t gonna believe this shit,” and Fart Blossoms, ya’ll ain’t. At least I didn’t.
There I sat this morning, watching the news, drinking my Diet Mountain Dew, eating my gluten-loaded Pop [...]...
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| My Magnificent Moonbeam |
| 2008-03-31 04:52:00 |
My magnificent friend, Moonbeam McQueen, has run a guest column of sorts that I wrote for her awhile back. I thought a few of ya’ll might get a kick out of it. Check it out by clicking here.
Moonbeam’s a pretty amazing lady, and I’m incredibly taken with her.
The Color Purples are also very fond of [...]...
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| The Church of Ill Repute |
| 2008-03-30 14:03:10 |
Fart Blossoms, ol’ Maxine took a big step on her spiritual journey today, and I owe it all to Trailer Park Barbie.
I have become an ordained minister.
I am now the REVEREND MOTHER MAXINE LEGAY.
It’s true. Here’s my Certificate of Ordination:
That’s right, Fart Blossoms. I can now officiate at weddings, births, funerals, animal blessings and drag [...]...
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| The Color Purples |
| 2008-03-30 14:02:23 |
Hello, my Fart Blossoms. Open auditions have been held, and the line-up for The Color Purples, my back-up singers, has been set. Here they are…
I don’t know her name, and she cain’t sing for shit, but
with fashion sense like this, how could I say no?
Her rendition of “And I Be Tellin’ Yo Ass, I Ain’t [...]...
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| And the Winner Is… |
| 2008-03-30 14:02:09 |
The results are in, and some crooked CPA that usually works for the mob has tabulated the results and the winner of the “Name That Car Contest” is…
…technically, no one. But one entrant did manage to inspire me. However, before we get to the name of the new Mustang and the winner, here are the [...]...
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| Well, Shit. |
| 2008-03-28 06:46:23 |
As I’m sure I’ve mentioned several times, in addition to working full-time, blogging part-time and keeping my nose hairs from taking over my face in the middle of the night (I sleep with emergency tweezers), I’m also a full-time student.
I didn’t do too well my first time around in college - I finished my first [...]...
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| Maxine’s Cure for the Common “I’m Pissy” Blues |
| 2008-03-28 06:46:12 |
… I bought a new car.
It’s a 2008 Ford Mustang convertible. The above picture is identical to the new ride, right down to the dark candy apple red exterior and parchment interior.
NOTE: Getting INTO debt makes Maxine feel good. Getting OUT of debt makes Maxine feel bad.
Now, ya’ll just wait. I don’t want folks writing [...]...
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| Name That Car!!! |
| 2008-03-28 06:46:03 |
… that’s right, Fart Blossoms! It’s time for your favorite new prime time game show, NAME! THAT! CAR!
NOTE: No cash or prizes will be awarded and there are no sponsors, so don’t expect any Rice-A-Roni, either, bitches.
Gradon is keeping Maudezilla, which is keeping her name, but I now need an absolutely fabulous name for the [...]...
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| Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go |
| 2008-03-25 13:28:47 |
Ya’ll, I’m so excited, that I feel like a Pointer Sister.
GEORGE MICHAEL IS COMING TO ATLANTA!!!!!
I know! I can’t quit squealing!!!!
I’ve already called a couple of girlfriends, and we’re gonna take of the week of July 31 so that we can stake out the public restrooms at Piedmont Park in midtown so that we can [...]...
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| Killer B’s |
| 2008-03-25 12:08:05 |
Hey, Fart Blossoms.
Ya’ll, I know monies is real tight these days, but once in awhile, you just have to do something to make yourself feel better. As such, I’m instructing each and every one of ya’ll to go out this week and buy the B-52’s new album - FUNPLEX, or download it, or whatever.
I haven’t [...]...
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| Thanks, Easta Gangsta |
| 2008-03-24 04:18:08 |
Ahh, Easter. The day that Christians celebrate the resurrection of their Lord, Jesus Christ.
In my neighborhood, it’s the day that folks get their crunk on, then drive around and randomly fire guns into the air and at each other. Occassionally, the po-po drive through at 110 mph to join in the fun, but mostly it’s [...]...
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| Alive (But Not Kicking) |
| 2008-03-23 17:11:14 |
Hey, Fart Blossoms. Did ya’ miss me? I’m sorry it’s been so long. I know, I’ve been a bad blogger, but the flu damn near killed me.
Since I haven’t written in so long, this one’s going to be a long post, so sit back and grab some coffee (Red - go hide [...]...
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| Blech |
| 2008-03-18 05:10:48 |
I hate being sick, but I am.
My boss was very concerned about me - and wanted to be sure I’d be in the office today.
I plan to sneeze, hack and wipe snot on everything.
(sigh) Not really, but I can dream....
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| The House Began to Pitch |
| 2008-03-16 06:54:06 |
I don’t know who she is or why she’s in the paper, but she
could have put on a bra.
I hope they weren’t with the “ficus tree” company.
Don’t worry, Fart Blossoms, the House of Ill Repute is fine.
Unless you live in a vacuum (hopefully, a Dyson, because it never loses suction), you know by now that [...]...
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| I’m Yo Pusha Man |
| 2008-03-16 06:53:38 |
I guess this means you like me, you really, really like me!
I had be done won an award and this time, I didn’t nominate myself!
Red, the hottest gym momma you ever did see in her nummers, has awarded me “The Daily Dose” Award, and I gotta tell ya’ll, this means more to mean than any [...]...
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| Cold Turkey |
| 2008-03-14 04:18:32 |
Honestly, I don’t know why people insist upon calling the po-po on me everywhere I go.
It’s not like I’m an imposing figure. I’m a 35-year-old blondish gay white male, 5-foot-six-inches, 160 150 lbs. , I wear glasses and if you passed me on the street, you’d figure I couldn’t take a punch or hurt a [...]...
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| Save the Condominium, Save the World |
| 2008-03-13 04:37:16 |
I’ve been worried about Sista Sharon H. She’s having a rough time at work because she’s surrounded by idiots and assholes.
Actually, that’s only part of the problem. I realized yesterday morning that the real problem is Sista Sharon H. herself. Sista Sharon’s problem is that she gives a shit and busts her ass to do [...]...
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