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Statistics |
| Unique Visitors: 0 |
| Total Unique Visitors: 27538 |
| Visitors Out: 2955 |
| Total Visitors Out: 9124 |
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| Brett Writes (no joke) to Jesus Christ |
| 2008-08-08 15:45:00 |
So I suppose this one needs a little back story.I've wanted for awhile to write a letter to a completely random person. I planned on blocking their name out to protect their identity, and just type them an utterly absurd letter. For reasons I don't care to recall, I did a white pages search for Jesus Christ, and searched here in New York state. Lo and fucking behold, there's someone listed in the white pages as "Jesus Christ" 3.5 miles from where I live."Brooklyn." I said calmly to myself, "Yeah, that makes sense."At this point, there's really no reason to block out his name. If you either were named Jesus Christ, or changed your name to Jesus Christ and are happily listed in the phone book, you've effectively asked for it....
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| *150th Posting* Brett Writes to Michael Moore |
| 2008-08-06 14:03:00 |
Because I know that I'll receive an e-mail about this, I'm letting you all know that "catty-corner" is an acceptable alternative to the "kitty-corner" you all seem to prefer. Additionally, I'm always correct, and you only pass off competence on occasion. Congrats....
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| Brett Writes to Paul Wall |
| 2008-07-22 12:34:00 |
In the considerably fortunate circumstances upon which you haven't heard of Paul Wall, promptly lose your virginity (and lunch) while watching this: The worst thing ever created. ...
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| Great success. |
| 2008-07-07 00:31:00 |
Good eve, all.Thank you for your forbearance. I have letters forthcoming.Also, a question for you all. Am I allowed to feel a bit saddened at the fact that an ex-girlfriend sold a Tiffany's necklace I gave her on eBay?The answer, as any connoisseur of relational matters will tell you is, "Of course not! Don't have girlfriends!"...
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| On my way. |
| 2008-06-24 01:01:00 |
Howdy a-gain.I'm heading back to Brooklyn tomorrow. I've a few letters ready for my sweets.Talk to you all again soon....
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| Brett is a fan of Goldfish crackers. (and your mom) |
| 2008-05-28 13:55:00 |
"Brett, you're a total asshole. Only stupid and terrible people like Goldfish crackers. If you love them so much, why don't you marry them? Or at least write them a letter." This is a 100% accurate quote straight from the mouth of the author of Red Pen, Inc. She wants me dead....
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| No. No, you can't have any. |
| 2008-04-04 15:15:00 |
So, for a solid month now, I've posted a letter for every weekday, plus fairly frequent updates on weekends. I need a goddamn break. Don't worry, I'll just be gone the weekend. Kickball and alcohol are on the agenda.Traffic has gone through the roof here, and it's probably a bad time to need a break... but there's only so much quality and class that I can cram up your ass at one time.I'll be returning with more "ASK JESUS", and plenty more letters. Your feedback keeps me going. If you're too shy a flower to talk to me, at least e-mail Jesus to ask him a question.Hearts and sex,BrettP.S. If you're a total asshole who simply needs to laugh, here's a good link from the past: Click here, you greedy slut....
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| Maybelline/Garnier Writes to Brett |
| 2008-04-01 07:54:00 |
Companies will apologize for anything.Remember when I wrote a completely neutral, disinterested consumer letter to Garnier Fructis? Well, they got back to me:That's $10 I've "earned" from my labor. That pays for registering this domain for a year. Maybe if I complain to Fort Knox I'll get a complimentary bar of gold.Ooh, I should complain to Elizabeth Berg about something....
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| Trojan Condoms Writes to Brett |
| 2008-03-28 07:50:00 |
I get asked probably once a day what kind of replies I get to my letters. I get very, very few replies. These letters are frequently offensive and ignorant enough that they don't even warrant a reply from the most magnanimous and consumer-friendly of organizations.So imagine my surprise last night when probably my most absurd and stupid letter got a response. There was a thick envelope waiting for me when I got home from work last night. Who wrote to lil' ol' me? The Church & Dwight Company, Inc. These guys are the parent company of Trojan condoms.Click here to read my incredibly stupid letter.Because of my supposed raging ignorance about condoms, they were kind enough to send a small brochure about how to use their product next time I'm with the lady-folk. The form letter from them wa...
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| Ask Jesus: A new advice column at B&HT |
| 2008-03-22 19:06:00 |
Along the right panel of the website, I'll be featuring "Ask Jesus".Today is the column's first installment. Jesus answers a letter from Janet in Gainesville, Florida. Click play to hear Jesus' reply.Dear Jesus, Just recently I passed through Louisiana on a drive to Florida. On a stop at a gas station, I came across the most amazing thing.... single-dose birth control packets! Should I trust these little miracle pills to block the trucker’s tadpoles?Word to your mother, yo.JanetHit play to hear Jesus' reply:If the player doesn't load for you, click this link instead: Listen to Jesus!E-mail Jesus at: jesuschrist@typewriterbrett.com...
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