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Statistics |
| Unique Visitors: 0 |
| Total Unique Visitors: 27538 |
| Visitors Out: 914 |
| Total Visitors Out: 914 |
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| Great success. |
| 2008-07-07 00:31:00 |
Good eve, all.Thank you for your forbearance. I have letters forthcoming.Also, a question for you all. Am I allowed to feel a bit saddened at the fact that an ex-girlfriend sold a Tiffany's necklace I gave her on eBay?The answer, as any connoisseur of relational matters will tell you is, "Of course not! Don't have girlfriends!"...
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| On my way. |
| 2008-06-24 01:01:00 |
Howdy a-gain.I'm heading back to Brooklyn tomorrow. I've a few letters ready for my sweets.Talk to you all again soon....
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| Brett is a fan of Goldfish crackers. (and your mom) |
| 2008-05-28 13:55:00 |
"Brett, you're a total asshole. Only stupid and terrible people like Goldfish crackers. If you love them so much, why don't you marry them? Or at least write them a letter." This is a 100% accurate quote straight from the mouth of the author of Red Pen, Inc. She wants me dead....
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| No. No, you can't have any. |
| 2008-04-04 15:15:00 |
So, for a solid month now, I've posted a letter for every weekday, plus fairly frequent updates on weekends. I need a goddamn break. Don't worry, I'll just be gone the weekend. Kickball and alcohol are on the agenda.Traffic has gone through the roof here, and it's probably a bad time to need a break... but there's only so much quality and class that I can cram up your ass at one time.I'll be returning with more "ASK JESUS", and plenty more letters. Your feedback keeps me going. If you're too shy a flower to talk to me, at least e-mail Jesus to ask him a question.Hearts and sex,BrettP.S. If you're a total asshole who simply needs to laugh, here's a good link from the past: Click here, you greedy slut....
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| Maybelline/Garnier Writes to Brett |
| 2008-04-01 07:54:00 |
Companies will apologize for anything.Remember when I wrote a completely neutral, disinterested consumer letter to Garnier Fructis? Well, they got back to me:That's $10 I've "earned" from my labor. That pays for registering this domain for a year. Maybe if I complain to Fort Knox I'll get a complimentary bar of gold.Ooh, I should complain to Elizabeth Berg about something....
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| Trojan Condoms Writes to Brett |
| 2008-03-28 07:50:00 |
I get asked probably once a day what kind of replies I get to my letters. I get very, very few replies. These letters are frequently offensive and ignorant enough that they don't even warrant a reply from the most magnanimous and consumer-friendly of organizations.So imagine my surprise last night when probably my most absurd and stupid letter got a response. There was a thick envelope waiting for me when I got home from work last night. Who wrote to lil' ol' me? The Church & Dwight Company, Inc. These guys are the parent company of Trojan condoms.Click here to read my incredibly stupid letter.Because of my supposed raging ignorance about condoms, they were kind enough to send a small brochure about how to use their product next time I'm with the lady-...
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| Ask Jesus: A new advice column at B&HT |
| 2008-03-22 19:06:00 |
Along the right panel of the website, I'll be featuring "Ask Jesus".Today is the column's first installment. Jesus answers a letter from Janet in Gainesville, Florida. Click play to hear Jesus' reply.Dear Jesus, Just recently I passed through Louisiana on a drive to Florida. On a stop at a gas station, I came across the most amazing thing.... single-dose birth control packets! Should I trust these little miracle pills to block the trucker’s tadpoles?Word to your mother, yo.JanetHit play to hear Jesus' reply:If the player doesn't load for you, click this link instead: Listen to Jesus!E-mail Jesus at: jesuschrist@typewriterbrett.com...
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| Not dead... |
| 2008-02-27 13:31:00 |
...I just wish I was. I've been sick for the past nine days, and I'm not getting better.My guess? My manhood is just too massive, and my heart can't handle it anymore.Actually, it's looking like tonsilitis or mono. I tried to write a letter last night, and I couldn't even keep my hands up. Cusssses. More as soon as I'm able....
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| Ouch. |
| 2008-02-21 05:42:00 |
I feel like shit.Seriously, I don't think I've ever been this sick in my life. I had a pretty serious headache Tuesday morning, and it grew into the full-blown... whatever... that I've had these last few days. It's behaving like influenza minus the usual stomach symptoms (thank baby jesus), but I'm still holding a temperature of 103.It literally hurts to stand up or open my eyes. I just wanted to post to let you know that I'll be dying soon. In the case that my head doesn't explode, I have a long series of ideas ready for when I return.Secret Hearts,Brett...
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| Brett Proudly Presents The First Annual Golden Sleeve of Wizard Award |
| 2008-02-04 15:20:00 |
As one might colloquially say, Bud Light done fucked up. I present this internationally renowned award of shame to Bud Light for their "Ability to Fly" commercial. This commercial had all opportunity to offend and be funny. Instead, it was lamer than Christopher Reeve's legs and Al Gore's personality combined into one flaccid member. Watch this commercial and observe as the once-funny Anheuser-Busch makes sure not to offend Auntie Mildred's Pampered Chef parties....
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| The Brett M Jensen Awesomeness Institute Archives Has Opened! |
| 2008-01-25 08:50:00 |
The BJAI has opened the doors on its newest facility!Presenting The Brett M Jensen Awesomeness Institute Archives. This 405-story monolith to greatness will be completed later this afternoon. (The lead engineer's life depends on it) The structure is to house letters not featured on the website's front page. They haven't moved to retirement. They've just moved to the tallest structure on earth. You can access these little trips into pant-wetting nostalgia by navigating to archived letters on the right bar, or by clicking "Older Posts" at the bottom of the front page. Only the 25 most incredible (read: Newest) letters will be featured here.Oh yeah, and kiss my ass....
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| Brett Writes to the Defense Sciences Office |
| 2007-12-29 02:10:00 |
Typically, I don't like the letters I write to require any explanation. Jokes aren't funny when they're explained. So I won't go into it, I'll just rub the tearful snot off my face, and provide you a link as explanation. Shit... I promised myself I wouldn't cry.Read this, then read my letter....
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| More to come... |
| 2007-12-27 16:08:00 |
You're all a bunch of spoiled brats.I send 30+ letters in the last two months, and then take a short break to xmas myself... and y'all get uppity looking for more.Don't worry, assholes. You have my secret hearts, and I'll be posting more soon."I kiss you!",Brett...
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| "Ba ba da daaa! Bum ba da da da daaaahhh!" |
| 2007-12-17 20:56:00 |
The audio feature is here. I've composed four different letters' audio so far.Poetry, Portman, Orangina, and Sears are all now in audio format. Click, listen, enjoy, comment.Click here for some celebratory audio....
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| Introducing: Literary Week |
| 2007-12-17 12:26:00 |
I had this idea literally forty-five seconds ago. We'll all see how it pans out.This week, the 17th through the 21st, will be literary week. I'll work hard tonight on giving all y'all a reverse birthday present with a big update tomorrow. I mean fuck... what else do you do on your birthday at work? (in case Mr. Mancusi is reading this blog again, the answer is "working")By the way, I love your comments. Comment at will. In two months, we've seen over 3,500 hits from five continents and over forty countries. It is very soothing to know that the world has people with humor as fucked up as mine....
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