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Statistics |
| Unique Visitors: 516 |
| Total Unique Visitors: 499601 |
| Visitors Out: 111 |
| Total Visitors Out: 111 |
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| Apocalypse NOW |
| 2008-05-09 06:00:00 |
Atheists everywhere are rejoicing.They have their validation.That's right folks....apparently....THERE IS NO GOD.Need proof?Well...guess what?I have the proof.Here it is:NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!Not ONLY is she engaged...but...but......TO THIS?!?!?!?:Ryan F*cking Reynolds?Isn't this the guy from "Van Wilder?"What did that make, like, $4 at the f*cking box office?Could she actually aim any lower?Van F*cking Wilder.Douche.Anyway......this has prompted a new poll on the right side of this page.Enjoy it while it lasts.As I believe that "Scarlett Marrying Ryan" is the Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse (he was not very popular with the press until now).Of course...this assumes you believe in God......which we now know is simply not possible.He wouldn't have allowed this travesty to happen.On a side note, my daughter's First Communion is this Saturday.I'll go......but it will be in protest.See you next week!Moog out.http://midgetmanofsteel.blogspot.com
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| The Plastic Wrap Commercial You'll Never See |
| 2008-05-07 06:55:00 |
I'm starting to hate pooping....which is sad...Because a man who hates pooping isn't really a man at all.(I REALLY need to start a t-shirt company)I'm now in week 3 of explosive diarrhea Hell (no, no...I don't have a guest spot on "30-Minute Meals with Rachel Rae)...with no signs of stopping.So...yesterday...I bit the bullet.I went to get my "stool sample kit."When my doctor told me that I'd need to pick one up, I was, like:"A kit? Who the Hell wants to build a stool sample? I'm hoping at least it's one of those "snap-together" kits...because I'm really not good with glue."Anyway...Once the people at Home Depot told me that I was in the wrong place, I decided to head over to the lab near my doctor's office to pick one up.Of course...the room is full of people waiting.Lab lady: "Hi, can I ...
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| Dear Moog: Will Meteorites Make Me Have Sex? |
| 2008-05-02 06:16:00 |
It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...Where I take it on the chin......just like the majority of New York Yankees players.Homosexual facials are funny.**********************Disclaimer:I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.You've been warned.***********************Our letter today is from "Will."Dear Moog.I would like to know what sort of tunes you listen to, when you aren't "playing chess with the pope" that is. What are your thoughts on Meteorites? Giant flying rocks, or just a cheap way to scare kids into having premarital intercourse?Also, if you were stranded on a desert island, just yourself, and nobody else... what's your favorite dinosaur?I look forwar...
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| Mi-ssi....(A Southern Violation by Colt-45, Part one) |
| 2008-04-28 06:46:00 |
Don't spute my word.Let me explain...In a couple of weeks, I’ll be heading to Mississippi for a 3-day business trip.Needless to say, most of what I know about Mississippi, I learned from that friggin' jump-rope song:Feel free to sing along:- Mi - ssi - ssi - PPI! – You need to do the big “PPI!” finish at the end.I’m not sure about everyone else, but everytime I need to spell Mississippi (which is not often), I require the assistance of a jump rope to do it.Which is awkward......as I’m currently writing this post while I’m working.Oh LOOK! Here comes Human Resources!Apparently, my coworkers don't like my HotPants outfit.Anyway…I also know the following tidbits about Mississippi from movies and songs:1) If you live in Mississippi, you are a disgusting, sweaty person with pit...
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| The Running Man |
| 2008-04-25 06:24:00 |
(Alternate title: "Trying to get Johnny Laid")Hopefully, he’s having a massive smash in BWB.Let me explain…First off…let me preface this by telling you that this is a rare semi-serious "Mental Poo"…...but bear with me…...I’ll be crapping on someone by the end of it, I’m sure.Anyway…One of my buddies, John, ran the Boston Marathon this past April 21.John is one of the nicest guys I know.If you must know - and you must - he runs for his niece, Lina, who has Leukemia.It’s blatantly obvious how much he loves his niece, and he has since dedicated himself to running the Boston Marathon in hopes of raising as much money as he can to try to find a cure.To read about John (and his and Lina’s story) click here:http://runningforlina.no-ip.org/I don’t ask you people for much, but...
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| F*ck the Earth, Warm Toilet Seats, and French Fry Walrus Tusks |
| 2008-04-24 08:56:00 |
Just some random crap today.First, take a look at this video.Item #1: A New PollI just came out from the bathroom, and an idea for a new poll popped into my head.You'll find it on the left. It's truly a conundrum.Item #2: F*ck the Earth DayI usually don't post videos (except my own), but this one is seriously funny.Especially if you're Environmentally Unfriendly.If the video isn't pulling up, click here.Awesome.#3: My Son is My SonThis is great news, as I previously thought it was the UPS guy.Anyway...My wife sent me this photo the other day, as she took my son to lunch:That's my boy......making french fry walrus tusks...or vampire fangs......you choose.Anyway...Her Caption for the photo:"Like father, like son."That's right.When we go out to dinner......I'm all about the entertainment.You should see what I can do with donuts.http://midgetmanofsteel.blogspot.com
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| Eight is Enough |
| 2008-04-23 06:30:00 |
So, ettarose tagged me for an “8 Random Things About You” post.The rules are at the bottom.Just like the Twinkies I ate yesterday…...all at my bottom.Squishy, squashy goodness!Anyway…I’m supposed to come up with 8 Random Things about myself.This is going above and beyond my other posts:1) My Alphabet of Pain2) Seven Useless Facts3) Captain QuirkAs such...you all know WAY more about me than I do about you.And people.....let's keep it that way.Here we go:1) I was voted shortest person in my High School Graduating Class my Senior Year.This was a crowning achievement in a year filled with the following fun things:a) Realized that I was dating a girl with missing digitsb) Got arrested for the first time (upcoming story)c) Had sex with Lita Ford(most of the above is true)Below is the a...
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| Amaze your Friends! Get Arrested for Lewd Behavior! |
| 2008-04-22 11:25:00 |
I invented a magic trick today.Since I'm not some immature prick wearing a top hat like most magicians...(I still wear the top hat and am immature...but I prefer to call myself "jackass" instead of "prick"...as does my wife, coincidentally)...I'm going to divulge the secret of the trick!!(somewhere in the world, David Copperfield is preparing to fist me as punishment)Here's what you'll need:1) A motorcycle2) 39 degree weather (Farenheit...as I believe 39 degrees Celsius is something like the heat of the surface of the sun and will probably kill you.)3) A 32-mile highway commute at 75 miles per hourCombine all three ingredients.Say the magic words:"Hocus Pocus, Scrotus Gonus!"Turning to face your audience......drop your pants.You: "TA DA!"Audience: *GASP!*Your audience will be astounded as they realize that your testicles have magically disappeared.(this trick may be easier for most women...I hope)Now......where's Claudia Schiffer?http://midgetmanofsteel.blogspot.com
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| Links for 2008-04-18 [Digg] |
| 2008-04-19 00:00:00 |
"Nim's Island" Review from someone who shouldn't be doing it
A Seal, a Lesbian, and some Majorly Ripped Abs.*this review is not useful in any way...but it's funny.
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| A Seal, A Lesbian, and Some Majorly Ripped Abs |
| 2008-04-18 06:25:00 |
It’s time once again for Moog’s Movie Reviews!!Sit down, please…...you’re embarrassing yourselves.Now…let’s get started.This past weekend, my family and I went to see “Nim’s Island.”For those of you without kids, this movie may not ring a bell with you.Let’s take a look at why:(Nim’s Island commercial comes on):People with kids: “That looks cute. Hey kids, want to see that this weekend? There’s a silly seal in it!”People without kids: People without kids say nothing because they’re having sex and doing all kinds of other fun sh*t besides talking about movies with f*cking silly seals in it.Anyway…At an hour-and-a-half long, my son – who is four – found the movie a little long.Four year olds tend to feel this way about mov...
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| My F*cking Blog is Full of Sh*twords! |
| 2008-04-17 08:50:00 |
This JUST in...BREAKING NEWS ABOUT "MENTAL POO":No shit.Well, there's a big f*cking surprise for you.Here's the good part:760% MORE CUSSING THAN THE LEADING WEBSITES.That's right, bitches.SEVEN HUNDRED AND SIXTY PERCENT MORE.I need to make a commercial.I also need to aim higher.Just think of what it COULD be if I didn't put little "*" things in the actual swear words.Reach for the stars, my mom always said.Which is tough, when you're just over five feet tall......and the only stars you can actually reach are the ones on the sidewalk in Hollywood.My mom is so proud.So very, f*cking proud.http://midgetmanofsteel.blogspot.com
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| These Seadead, Pazl Peace Baby Tits Smell Like Pfruoom! |
| 2008-04-16 06:00:00 |
Believe it or not, my wife does not teach Special Ed.But you'd never, ever know it......looking at the kids' work from her second grade class.The last post about my wife's class pretty much cemented the fact that the kids she teaches in her inner-city class......well......might not be all there.And here's just another example.Here's an email I got from my wife the other day:"When you get home, I'm going to take my tongue and..."WAIT! WAIT!Wrong email.Here it is:"Thought you might get a little laugh from this. We were playing a game in math today and the kids had to guess what was wrapped in various size boxes. Here is the answer sheet from one of my kids. Pay close attention to the last answer (#13).When you get home, I'm going to take my tongue and..."Sorry. Sorry.She gets like that so...
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| Kristin Lets One Rip |
| 2008-04-14 06:15:00 |
Some things are just better left unsaid.You may be saying this out loud, after you read the following post.Let me explain:My request for Guest Bloggers here at Mental Poo has led to my friend, Kristin, providing me with the following gem you're about to read.Kristin has also provided the following fodder:1: How to Scare a Celebrity2: How Her Husband Got a Stinky WinkyThanks, Kristin!!In the end, it's simply a love story.A gross, retina-burning, gag-reflex-inducing love story.Here you go...enjoy.YOU'VE BEEN WARNED*********************Kristin's Story (via email she sent to me):"I had dinner with Linda after work one night.On the way home, I started getting some MASSIVE stomach cramps.You know the ones...The kind that make you have to do Lamaze breathing.I was only about 30 minutes from my ho...
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| Dear Moog, Potatoes are Our Friends. |
| 2008-04-10 13:10:00 |
It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...Where I put as much effort into carefully crafting thoughtful, truthful answers to your questions......as I do paying attention to my children.Son: "DADDY!! DADDY!! MY EYE!! MY EYE FELL OUT!!"Me: (turning up TV volume to HEAR OVER ALL THE SCREAMING): "Mmmhmmm. Blue."Kids.**********************Disclaimer:I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.You've been warned.***********************Our first letter comes from The Offended Blogger (hereafter, called "TOB").TOB hails from Idaho.Idaho's state motto, "Got Taters?", was almost edged out by the runner-up vote-getter, "We're all bored. Send prostitutes."I know nothing about Idah...
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| Dear Moog (April 4th Edition) |
| 2008-04-04 07:21:00 |
It's another time for an exciting episode of "Dear Moog"...Where I take the full brunt of your burning questions......like Pam Anderson's hoo-ha bore the wicked wrath of Tommy Lee's mammoth junk.**********************Disclaimer:I am not responsible for any stupid sh*t you do to yourself or others as a result of taking any of my advice seriously. There, I think that covers it.You've been warned.***********************Our first letter comes from AngryMan.If you've read AngryMan, then you know that he's more just kind of slightly perturbed than actually angry.(poTAto..poTAHto)..whatever..he's a good read.Here's his question:*********************Letter #1:Dear Moog,Do you have a job? Do you spend time w/your kids?The reason I'm asking is b/c if the answer to either is yes, then I'm curious as ...
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| Mary Magdalene makes a Spicy Meatball! |
| 2008-04-02 06:10:00 |
Holy Appetizers, Batman!Literally.My daughter’s First Communion is approaching faster than a priest who's spied a Boy Scout's camp in the middle of the woods.Yes, that’s right……if you haven’t already guessed by the heavy religious tone to my posts, I’m Catholic.(priest ears prick up from across the globe…then settle back down when they realize that I’m over the age of 10)(Also, extra points to myself for using the words "priest" and "prick" in the same sentence)As mentioned previously, you will only see me in church under the following conditions:1) You’re getting married2) You’re dead (where, technically, I guess you WON’T see me…but f*ck it, I’m putting it here anyway)3) We’re under attack and the local church doubles as a bomb shelterIf you've read my previo...
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| Goodbye, Cruel World |
| 2008-04-01 06:00:00 |
Today is Moooooog's last post.Regretfully, I have been terminated from my position here at work......primarily BECAUSE of this blog.You see......typing this sh*t up takes time.Not only does it take time to think and type up......but there's a certain amount of research I have to do to insure accuracy:Apparently, this research violates my company's "HR Code of Conduct."Who knew?On the bright side, I've been offered a job at The Onion after submitting several articles for review.My first article, "Man Sees God, Eats Own Foot," should be on their site later today. I'll be writing under the pseudonym, "Yendor Pitt."Enjoy.To my faithful readers who have fed my narcissism, may I say, "Thank you."To all the others, I say, "Go f*ck yourself."The latter group can atone for this by sending me graph...
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| The Nut Gobbler |
| 2008-03-28 09:06:00 |
Oh.Yeah.Put the kids away folks......this gets graphic.*****************Her nails dug deep into my flesh.Slowly...cautiously...she looked up at me from below."No," I said. "No more."But she would have none of it.Our eyes met and I knew...I just knew that there was NO way that I could deny that face of pleasure.I hesitated...then......I bent down lower to meet her.Together, we touched.Her small hands intertwined with mine.I watched her as she took it into her mouth."I can't believe this is happening," I thought.I looked down at her, bewildered......I had never done this before.My wife stood beside me with the video camera...rolling.You see......she had never seen this, either.And we damn sure weren't going to miss this.As I looked up, a crowd had gathered around us.Yes......we were in publ...
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| Jeremiah Rubs His Bullfrog |
| 2008-03-27 06:24:00 |
Jeremiah and I have a lot in common.My wife, who is a second grade teacher, emailed me yesterday.She teaches at an inner-city school (her contract includes provisioning for a new flak jacket every year)......and the kids don't speak English very well......if at all.Actually...neither do most of the other teachers.Anyway...She handed out the kids a paper to fill out......asking them to describe their daily routines.Simple enough.Here's Jeremiah's day.Pay attention to his strict morning routine:I know what you're thinking:A KID THAT MAKES HIS BED?!?!?Oh...wait...wait..."In the morning I wack off and make my bed and..."Except for the "make my bed" part, I could have written this.Although, I would have included either:"...and wash my hands and..."or"...and refill the tissue dispenser and..."Bu...
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| Bunny Crap (an open letter to the Easter Bunny) |
| 2008-03-26 06:12:00 |
Dear Easter Bunny,Just wanted to write you a "Thank You" note for the wonderful day I had on Easter.That was sarcasm.Seriously.If I ever bump into you outside of the mall, I'm going to give you back your Easter Baskets, "sphincter-style."Pray that day never comes.I particularly enjoyed:1) Being yelled at by my wife because I ran out of videotape as the kids were opening their baskets.It's not the fact that I'm running out of tape that makes her mad......it's that this happens EVERY F*CKING holiday.Every. Holiday.If it's an event that should be videotaped for posterity, the chances are almost 100% that I've run out of tape when recording it.I suck like that.2) Cleaning up crap.It was Easter morning, and my wife had been cooking for three days straight.Reali...
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| Moog's Mortal Sins - Just in Time for Easter!! |
| 2008-03-21 06:47:00 |
Go ahead:MAKE MY DAY.Um...I guess that although this went over well with Clint Eastwood......hearing it from a 39 year-old guy who is five-foot-two-inches tall doesn't present the same sense of impending DOOM.(5'-2" = 3 millimeters and two cubits for those on the metric system)Oh well...HOW ABOUT IF I MAKE UP SOME NEW SINS FOR YOU!?!?How's THAT for DOOM, PEASANTS?!!?That's right.So far we've gone over the old sins and the new sins......and how I'll actually not only be GOING to Hell......but that I'll probably have a pretty cushy job waiting for me when I get there.A while ago, I created "The Five Commandments of Moog"......which were, if I was to make "Da Rules," my laws that you'd have to live by.Going with this idea, and the fact that the Catholic church isn't satisfied unless it invol...
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| How Jaws got 20/20 Vision |
| 2008-03-17 06:13:00 |
Two eye visits, twice a year, and a pair of frames.Apparently, sharks are also covered under this Health Policy.Let me explain...On our last full day in Florida, we took the kids to SeaWorld.(SeaWorld motto: "Hey loser, you just paid $60 TO LOOK AT GODDAMN FISH")Anyway...At about midday, we walked to "Shark Encounter.""Shark Encounter" lets you walk through a series of rooms, where a bunch of large predatory animals circle around you......much like being on MySpace.Anyway...At the end of the exhibit, you get to feed the sharks.Yes.Feed the sharks.After being accosted by security to "PUT THE CHILDREN DOWN!", I realized that they actually SELL FOOD that you feed the sharks with.Ah.That makes more sense.Because I was wondering what I was going to do with my kids' leftover Disney passes.But I ...
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| Disney 3D, Part Two (a.k.a., The Force Sucks Ass) |
| 2008-03-13 06:06:00 |
Yesterday, I walked through FOUR POINTS of hatred for Disney.Today, you get two more.Huzzah!!Enjoy them.Because I sure as Hell didn't.5) People cannot control their children.Yet another reason to hate people.(Like I really needed one more)Welcome to Disney...Where, here, we see kids being dragged around on f*cking LEASHES..Leashes.Really? You couldn't find a kennel for your child?I actually ENJOY seeing this...As I walk past the small child being dragged by this stupid f*cking harness, I point and say loudly:Me: "Hey kids! Look at the cute puppy!"(my children rush to pat the child-dog...but FIRST letting it sniff their hands to make sure it's friendly)The parent walking their child does not look amused.This, however, makes me smile.Hey - I've spent, like,...
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| Disney 3D, Part One (3D = Disney Days of DOOM) |
| 2008-03-12 06:30:00 |
How fun was my Florida trip?Oh......let's deliver you some of my pain...The first three days included visits to both Disney World and “Disney Hollywood Studios.”The total cost of tickets to these two parks was ONE THOUSAND FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS (3 centimeters for those on the metric system)......and a signed oath that I donate my next child to the park (I believe this is in case one of the "It's a Small World mannequins breaks down).This is where I screw THEM...as I'm shooting blanks.Take THAT, Mickey...you little bitch!Anyway...These parks included the following fun events:1) I ate jack sh*t for lunch for two days.My kids get nice sandwiches packed for lunch by my wife.Fruit snacks...crackers...a nice little picnic....it's all very quaint.They suck.Me?...
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| No Go with the Low Flow |
| 2008-03-10 06:20:00 |
WARNING: This post talks about Poo.A LOT.You've been warned.****************Low Flow = Big StinkLet me explain...As mentioned previously, we rented a house on our Florida vacation.Unfortunately, all of the toilets in our rental house were all "environmentally friendly" LOW-FLOW toilets.A sample "Low-Flow Toilet" marketing advertisement:"Low-Flow Toilets:When flushing seventeen times just isn't enough*.*Use only for pee."I don't understand these toilets even a little.I mean, I'm all for the water conservation thing...but, really:"Low flow" means that even a tiny little turd breaks the surface of the water.When there's basically a cupful of water sitting in the toilet, two things happen:1) My poo immediately breaches the surface of the water.Me: "Uunnnnnngggghhh!"(I always make this noise......
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| Wouldn't Wanna Be Ya |
| 2008-02-18 06:34:00 |
I hate to leave you all to your own devices, but I'm going on vacation.No...I'm not "goin' fishin'."I don't understand fishing.The last time I went fishing, my father hooked my f*cking ear while he was casting and damn near yanked me into the friggin' pond....this is why some children kill their parents.Anyway...I'll be packing up with the family tomorrow for a week-long trip to Disney World in Florida.This should be pure Hell.I'll be back next Wednesday, and should have plenty of fodder to retell.Answers to burning questions like:1) Did Disney allow my daughter to go on Space Mountain with the lights on?(this is the only way she'll go on it)2) Will I return with both children? Or will I be so fed-up with them by day 3 that I throw them into the lake at "GatorLand?"3) Is petting dolphins r...
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| Links for 2007-09-18 [Digg] |
| 2007-09-19 00:00:00 |
The 25 Ugliest Celebrities - 2007 Edition [w/PICs]
Who said you have to be hot to be famous? A listing of the 25 most hideous celebrities including very ugly pictures of each Hollywood star.
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