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Statistics |
| Unique Visitors: 4 |
| Total Unique Visitors: 6886 |
| Visitors Out: 50 |
| Total Visitors Out: 50 |
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| Blonde Logic |
| 2008-04-28 04:41:36 |
January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.November - B...
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| Test Tickles |
| 2008-04-28 04:40:06 |
Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.The manager said, "I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!"...
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| Top Ten Reasons To Celebrate Resurrection Sunday (Easter) |
| 2008-04-25 04:11:16 |
10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments". 9. You look really, really good in yellow. 8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge. 7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad. 6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies. 5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed. 4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason. 3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play." 2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot. 1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection ev...
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| Together Again |
| 2008-04-25 04:07:56 |
Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?” The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”...
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| Pinocchio and sandpaper |
| 2008-04-25 04:06:54 |
One day Pinocchio came to Gepetto with a problem. “Every time I have sex with my girlfriend, she gets splinters. What can I do about this?” “Have you tried sandpaper?” Pinocchio hadn’t, so he went to try it. “Pinochio,” said Gepetto a few weeks later. “How is the problem work out with your “Girlfriend?” said Pinnochio. “Who needs a girlfriend when you have sandpaper?”...
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| Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike? |
| 2008-04-25 04:06:37 |
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.7. It's best to have a soft place to land.8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best to slow down and wait for them.10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.11. Once you learn, you never forget how.12. If ...
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| Why I Love Her |
| 2008-04-25 04:06:02 |
A guy is sitting in a bar with his friends bitching about going home to his wife.His friends ask him why he doesn't want to go home to such a fine looking woman and he replies..."Well, the problem is that she has Gonnorrhea"So what say the friends, flip her over."Well, she also has diarrhea" the guy says."Yuck, but what about her mouth." The friends chime in."Halitosis" the man says."Damn, Why would you stay with her?" The friends say."Well," the guy replies "She also has worms, and you guys know how I like to fish."...
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| Overweight Daddy |
| 2008-04-25 04:05:44 |
A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing a meal and says, “Mom, the last few nights I have woken up to this thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I looked to see what it is, you’re sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down. Why are you doing that?” The startled mother recovers quickly and she says, “Your dad is a little overweight and I’m trying to get him back to normal size. I bounce on him to get all the air out of him.” The little kid just shakes his head and says, “Mom, you’re wasting your time because, once a week, that nice-looking lady next door comes over & blows daddy right back up!”...
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| Holiday Shopping |
| 2008-04-25 04:04:12 |
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten on Christmas." The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat." The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat ...
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| Sports Commentator Slip Ups |
| 2008-04-25 03:59:15 |
"Sure, there have been deaths in boxing, but none of them serious." (Alan Minter)"Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him."(New Zealand rugby commentator Murray Mexted)"This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh horse racing commentator)"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Winston Bennett)"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it, which is identical." (Murray Walker - F1 racing commentator)"I would not say that David Ginola is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson - soccer coach)"Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race1977)"Julian Dicks is...
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| Two Golfers |
| 2008-04-25 03:56:23 |
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course,became confused as to where he was on the course.Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew thathole he was playing.She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the6th hole."He thanked her and went back to his golf.On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again withthe same request.She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be onthe 13th hole."Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.T...
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| The Old Explorer |
| 2008-04-25 03:55:23 |
A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had.The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done the same."The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went ROARRRR!"...
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| The Laws of Golf |
| 2008-04-25 03:53:56 |
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have inner peace knowing that a worse one is yet to come. (This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.)LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. (Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.)LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce o...
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| Blind Skydiving |
| 2008-04-25 03:50:10 |
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.""But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered."But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."...
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| Baseball In Heaven |
| 2008-04-25 03:49:09 |
Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they pored over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy. A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond."Bob, Is that you?" Earl asked."Of course it's me," Bob replied."This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?""Well, I have some good ne...
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| Holding The Baby |
| 2008-04-24 02:39:04 |
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The busdriver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." ...
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| Observing The Baby |
| 2008-04-24 02:33:04 |
Observing The Baby One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism. Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said. "It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."...
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| Yo Mama Jokes 1 |
| 2008-04-24 01:56:57 |
Yo mama's so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone!Yo mama's arms are so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear!Yo mama's mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound!Yo mama's teeth are so yellow she spits butter!Yo mama's so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared!Yo mama's so short she does backflips under the bed!Yo mama's so short you can see her feet on her drivers licence!Yo mama's so poor she can't afford to pay attention!Yo mama's so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed!Yo mama's so greasy companies buy their Oil from her!Yo mama's so flat she's jealous of the wall!Yo mama's so poor she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people's fingers!Yo mama's so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air c...
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| Yo Mama Jokes 2 |
| 2008-04-24 01:56:28 |
Yo mama's so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!Yo mama's so fat when her beeper goes off, people think she is backing up!Yo mama's so fat people jog around her for exercise!Yo mama's so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone!Yo mama's so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors!Yo mama's so fat she was floating in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world!Yo mama's so fat she lays on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy!Yo mama's so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"Yo mama's so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said "Taxi!"Yo mama's so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint roller!Yo mama's so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets!Yo...
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| Trouble at the Nudist Colony |
| 2008-04-24 01:52:00 |
John is in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.While wandering around naked he sopts a gorgeous blonde and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over and says "Sir, did you call for me?"John replies: "No!" She says "Well, it's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it means you called for me."She then layes him down and starts making love to him.Later that day John visits the sauna, but as he sits down he farts. A huge big hairy guy get up, drops his towel to show a huge erection and says "Sir, did you call for me?"John replies, "No!" The man says, "It's a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The man then knocks John to the floor and has his way with him.As soon as he's finished John rushes ba...
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