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| Articles about Funny Jokes |
| Funny Jokes - Cue Ball | | 2008-08-26 09:25:13 | | A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgust... | | By: the chutkule | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Cabbie | | 2008-08-26 02:05:00 | | A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.'I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you,' says the cabbie.'My son, you cannot offend me,' says the Nun. 'When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.''Well,' said the cabbie, 'I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me.''Well, lets see what we can do about that,' the Nun replies. 'First,you have to be single and, second, you must be Catholic.'The cabbie is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!''Okay,' says the Nun. 'Pull into the next alley.'The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a passonate kiss but, when they get back on the road, the cabbie starts crying.'My dear child,' says the Nun, 'why are you crying?''Forgive me, Sister, for I have sinne... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Funny Jokes - Best Consultant | | 2008-08-24 06:53:25 | | Doctor Simon is known throughout London as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment.One day, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over andleans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her.Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon’s office.15 minutes later, to everyone’s surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face.A woman in the waiting room says, "It's unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did DoctorSimon do to you?""Miracle, shmiracle, he just gave me a longer walking stick."
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| Funny Jokes - Problum with Women | | 2008-08-24 06:15:19 | | If you kiss her, you are not a gentlemanIf you don’t, you are not a manIf you praise her, she thinks you are lyingIf you don’t, you are good for nothingIf you agree to all her likes, you are a wimpIf you don’t, you are not understandingIf you visit her often,she thinks it is boringIf you don’t , she accuses you of double-crossingIf you are well dressed, she says you are a playboyIf you don’t , you are a dull boyIf you are jealous, she says it’s badIf you don’t, she thinks you do not love herIf you attempt a romance, she says you didn’t respect herIf you don’t, she thinks you do not like herIf you are a minute late, she complains it’s hard to waitIf she is late, she says that’s a girl’s wayIf you visit another man, you’re not putting in “quality time”If she is visited by another woman, “Oh it’s natural, we are girls”If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are coldIf you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking advantageIf you stare at ... | | By: the chutkule | | |
| | Short Funny Jokes - Sardar Jokes | | 2008-08-24 00:16:47 | | Sardar declares:I will never marry in my life andI'll give same advice to my children also*************************************************SARDAR talking on cell.2ND SARDAR: kis se baat kar raho ho.1ST: biwi se.....2ND: itne... pyar se....?1ST: tumhari hai. . .*****************************************A donkey kicked sardar & ran awaysardar ran to catch the donkey. He saw a zebra & started beating it & said 'SALA Tracksuit pahan ke dhoka de raha hai'.****************************************sardar: Darling, years ago u had a figure like Coke bottle.Jeeto: Yes darling I still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300mlnow it's 1.5 ltr.***************************************teacher: make a sentence in which 1 word repeated 4 timessardar: lara dutta marries brian lara and she becomes lara lara***************************************Teacher: is line ki english banao, usne apna kaam kiya or karta hi gya.Santa: He done his work and done dana dan done dana dan....********************... | | By: the chutkule | | |
| | Short Funny jokes - Short jokes | | 2008-08-23 12:39:53 | | A girl was yelling in the Church after the Chapel: "Oh God! Please make Moscow the Capital of China!"The priest inquired: "Why must you pray so, my child?"Girl: "That's what I've written in my answer sheet in the examination!"******************************A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed onhis leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.A passer by who'd seen everything remarked: "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did." "Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him."*****************************An American report: We crossed chickens with cows. The new breed simultaneously produces milk, meat and eggs.Report from France: We crossed flies and bees. The hybrid flies over the trash fields and produces honey.Report from Russia: We crossed a melon with cockroaches. When you cut this melon, seeds run away by themselves.
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| Funny Jokes - Worried | | 2008-08-23 12:35:42 | | Two school girls were talking in school break.Girl 1: You seem worried today. what’s the matter?Girl 2: Ya! As my mom’s gonna marry again soon.Girl 1: What’s that bothering you, new relationship or new father?Girl 2: New father! hes a famous man. I wonder how would he treat me?Girl 1: Who’s he?Girl 2: Mr. Baig! The famous film maker.Girl 1: Don’t you worry then at all! Hes a nice chap.Girl 2: How can you say that?Girl 1: He was my father last month!
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| | Really funny jokes-Ham | | 2008-08-23 02:05:00 | | A woman went to the Governor about getting an early release for her husband who was serving time in a state penitentiary."What's he in for?", asked the Governor."For stealing a ham.""That doesn't sound too bad. Is he a good worker?""No, I couldn't say that. He's very lazy.""Oh... well, he's good to you and the children, isn't he ?""No, he is not. He's very mean to us, if you want to know the truth.""Why would you want a man like that out of prison?""Well, Governor, we've been out of ham for quite a spell."... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Fancy dress party | | 2008-08-21 02:04:00 | | A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.A Few days later he receives a parcel with a note:Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.The man is really Incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company wi... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Funny Jokes - Hide & seek | | 2008-08-20 22:47:06 | | There were three boys named Manners, Shut up and Trouble.One day,the boys decide to play hide-and-seek. Trouble is on. Manners goes andhides in a tree and Shut up goes and hides in a trash can. At thatmoment, a policeman comes up to the trash can to throw away a bananapeel. He opens the lid, only to find a boy in there.The policeman asks, " What are you doing in there, boy?"Shut up replies, "Playing hide-and-seek, sir."Intrigued, the policeman asks,"What's your name, boy?""Shut up.""Where are your manners, boy?!""Manners is up the tree.""Boy, are you looking for trouble???""No sir, Trouble is looking for me!"
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| | Funny Jokes - Argument on god | | 2008-08-19 22:22:56 | | Three men are arguing in a bar. The first says, “God must be a mechanical engineer—just look at the joints in the human body.”The second says, “God is an electrical engineer—look at the nervous system.” The third says, “God has to be a civil engineer—who else would run awaste disposal pipeline through a perfectly good recreational area?”
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| | Funny jokes - Get out of there | | 2008-08-19 13:30:07 | | A boy was meeting his girlfriend’s parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who wassitting underneath the boy’s chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart."Duke!" the dad yelled."This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one."Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was home free so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart."Duke! Get out of there before the boy shits on you!"
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| | Really funny jokes-Young daughter | | 2008-08-19 02:05:00 | | A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wondersSuddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating."Daddy what are those two spiders doing?" she asked."They're mating" her father replied."What do you call the spider on top?" she asked."That's a Daddy Longlegs" her father answered."So the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."The little girl looking a little puzzled thought for a moment then took her foot and stomped them flat saying "We're nothaving any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden."Brings a tear to your eye...doesn' t it!... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Funny Jokes - God is missing | | 2008-08-17 05:02:31 | | A couple had two little boys ages 4 and 8, who were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame. The boys' mother heard that the father of the church had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The father agreed, and asked to see them individually. So, the mother sent her 4-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the father in the afternoon. The father, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?" They boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open. The father repeated the question. "Where is God?" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. So the father raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?" The boy screamed and bol... | | By: the chutkule | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Thermometer | | 2008-08-17 02:06:00 | | A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature. " After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth."No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer. "This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.After half an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room."What's going on here?"... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Funny jokes - Powder nose | | 2008-08-15 05:26:25 | | A little boy and girl are playing in a sandbox. The little boy has togo to take a pee and he was told by his mother to always be polite anddon't talk about private matters in public. At first he holds it in fora little while because he does not know what to say to the little girlto excuse himself. Then he remembers what his Mom had said at therestaurant to excuse herself from the table. So he turns to the littlegirl and says "Will you excuse me I have to go powder my nose". Andsaying that he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.When he comes back the little girl looks up at him and asks "Did you powder your nose?""Yes" said the little boy stepping back into the sandbox."Well then" says the little girl, "You'd better close your purse because your lipstick is hanging out."
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| | Really funny jokes-The Perfect Man | | 2008-08-15 02:05:00 | | A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'Passenger: 'Who?'Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he ... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Funny Jokes - Indian cricket team | | 2008-08-14 03:25:50 | | After the shameful defeat of Indian cricket team in2007 Worldcup, the team members were not able toshow their faces to people and they chose not to go in public andrather just pack up in hotel rooms.Dravid could not resist for too long. So he disguises himself as aSardar and goes out. he meets a woman at the exit of the hotel who greetshim "Hi Dravid!"Surprised for having been caught he comes back andmakes himself up as a muslim woman - in Burkha etc and goes out. Yet sameagain - the same woman greets him "Hi Dravid!".Dravid comes back determined to give it yet anothertry with the make up of a Hippie wig and shorts etc. All in vain- the same lady catches him again and greets him "Hi Dravid!".Bewildered by now, he could not help asking,"How did you recongise me?"The lady replied - "Ssshhh...Main hoon yaar. Tendulkar"
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| | Really funny jokes-Jewelry | | 2008-08-14 02:05:00 | | A young man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.The young man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special. "At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. " Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000, " the jeweler said.The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.The young man seeing this said, "We'll take it. "The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the young man stated, " by cheque.""I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon. "Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the young man. "There's no money in that account.""I know ", said the young man, "but ... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Welfare | | 2008-08-13 02:05:00 | | A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apart ment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, 'You're bu... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Funny Jokes - can tell by the sound | | 2008-08-12 03:01:14 | | A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes."She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb.test line...It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00".She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman breaks wind big-time. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he wouldn't know that... | | By: the chutkule | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Wrong Way | | 2008-08-12 02:04:00 | | Seventy-six year old Grace was watching TV at home late one afternoon.Presently, the 5:00 news came on. The lead story was traffic mayhem on I-95 due to a car going down the highway the wrong way.Grace suddenly realized her husband was traveling home on that very same highway. Concerned, she reached for the phone and called him on his cell."Harold," she said when he answered. "Are you still on I-95?""I am," Harold replied."Well then please be careful!" Grace said. "I just heard on the news that some maniac is going down the highway the wrong way!""One?" Harold replied. "Aw, heck, Grace, they're ALL going the wrong way!"... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Funny Jokes - cash from an ATM | | 2008-08-11 11:40:20 | | MenDrive to the bank, park, go to the cash dispenser Insert card Dial code and desired amount Take the cash, the card and the slipWomenDrive to the bank Engine stalled Check make-up in the mirror Apply perfume Manually check haircut Park the car - failure Park the car - failure Park the car - success Search for the card in the handbag Insert card, rejected by the machine Throw phonecard back in handbag Look for bank card Insert card Look for the chit (where secret code written) in handbag Enter code Study instructions for 2 minutes #Cancel# Re-enter code #Cancel# Call Boyfriend/husband to get correct code Enter huge amount #Error# Enter large amount #Error# Enter smaller amount Cross fingers Take cash Go back to the car Check make up in rear mirror Look for keys in handbag Start car Drive 50 meters STOP Drive back to bank machine Get out of the car Take card and ticket back from machine Go back to the car Throw card on passenger seat Throw slip ... | | By: the chutkule | | |
| | Funny Jokes - College Rules | | 2008-08-10 07:47:09 | | On the first day of college, the dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?"One student raised his hand and asked, "How much for a season pass?"
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| | Funny Jokes - best at apprehending criminals | | 2008-08-10 07:41:55 | | The LAPD, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it — including the rabbit — and make no apologies. “The rabbit had it coming.”The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit.”
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| | Really funny jokes-Mental Health Hotline | | 2008-08-10 02:04:00 | | We recently placed a call to the Mental Health Hotline because one of our associates was feeling a little edgy. They really have covered all the bases. Here's what we got:"Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline....If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. Remember, you are never alone!If you are manic-depressive it doesn't matter which number you press,no one will answer.If you are dyslexic, press 6969696.If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, te... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Funny Jokes - Types Of Girls | | 2008-08-09 12:50:12 | | Types Of Girls - Explanation For Nerds1. HARD DISK GIRLSshe remembers everything, FOREVER.2. RAM GIRLSshe forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.3. WINDOW GIRLSeveryone knows that she can’t do a thing right, but no one can live without her.4. SCREENSAVER GIRLSShe is good for nothing but at least she is fun.5. INTERNET GIRLSShe is cool but difficult to access sometimes.6. SERVER GIRLSAlways busy when you need her.7. MULTIMEDIA GIRLSShe makes horrible things look beautiful.8. CD-ROM GIRLSShe is always faster and faster.9. EMAIL GIRLSOut of every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.10. VIRUS GIRLSAlso known as “???” .. when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don’t try to uninstall her you will lose everything…
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| | Funny Jokes - Super Bowl | | 2008-08-09 08:34:27 | | A man goes to the Super Bowl but his tickets are for the upper tier. He spots an open seat on the 50-yard line and grabs it.The guy sitting next to him says, “Actually, this seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”“I’m sorry to hear that,” says the first man. “Couldn’t you find a friend or relative to come with you?”“Nope,” replies the second guy. “Everyone’s at the funeral.”
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| | Funny Jokes - Meals On Wheels | | 2008-08-08 23:05:31 | | One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat "you lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."The cat thinks for a moment and says "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."The Lord stops the cat and says "say no more" and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"The Lord says "say no more" and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently... | | By: the chutkule | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Largest transport | | 2008-08-08 02:05:00 | | One of the military's largest transports got stuck at the end of a runway atop the I-564 overpass for more than 16 hours. It was unable to turn around at the West end of Chambers Field at the Norfolk Naval Station. The incident forced the closing of the field to all but helicopter traffic and made for a dramatic sight for hundreds of motorists passing beneath it during morning rush hour."That thing's like a big building sitting there,'' said motorists. The nose of the aircraft actually stuck out and OVER the Interstate!The aircraft's nose was so far over the end of the ramp, the crew was unable to see the runway where it was supposed to turn around, so the pilot simply had to leave it at the end of the runway. The Air Force C-5 Galaxy, largest airplane in the free world, is almost as long as a football field and as high as a 6-story building.Weighing 420 tons with a full load, it uses a system of 28 wheels to distribute its weight. The aircraft had to wait for a specially made tow b... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Police Emergency | | 2008-08-06 02:05:00 | | This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again."Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"Ge... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Losing weight | | 2008-08-05 02:05:00 | | One fat guy goes to a popular gym and sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying " If you catch me, I'm yours ."He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg..He's back on the street and starts to think."Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."So he races back to the gym and says, "I... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Funny jokes - prostate exam | | 2008-08-05 00:22:09 | | A man goes for a prostate exam. The proctologist is checking him out when he discovers a roll of hundreds in the guy’s colon. He pulls it out and counts the money.“You’re not going to believe this,” says the doctor. “But I’ve just found $1,900 inside your rectum.”“Hmm,” says the patient. “Well, I guess that explains why I haven’t been feeling too grand.”
... | | By: the chutkule | | |
| | Funny jokes - My Rolex | | 2008-08-04 03:31:52 | | One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed. "You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and cried, "MY ROLEX!"
... | | By: the chutkule | | |
| | Funny jokes - your lawyer died last week | | 2008-08-04 03:31:33 | | Bob calls the law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer." The receptionist replies, "I’m sorry Bob, but he died last week." The next day Bob calls again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "Bob, I told you yesterday, he died last week." The next day Bob calls for the third time and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "Bob! I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?!!" Bob replies, "Because I just love hearing it!"
... | | By: the chutkule | | |
| | Funny jokes - truck driver | | 2008-08-04 03:28:33 | | A truck driver was zooming down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his obligation, he stopped to give the priest a ride.A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and the driver aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway.Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest."I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."
... | | By: the chutkule | | |
| | Funny jokes - White Hair | | 2008-08-04 03:28:05 | | One day, a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair. Curious, the little girl looked at her mother and asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time you do something wrong and make me unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this for a while and then asked, "Momma, how come all of grandma's hairs are white?"
... | | By: the chutkule | | |
| | Funny jokes - Sale tips | | 2008-08-04 03:27:37 | | A new sales assistant was hired at a large department store. On his first day, the sales manager took him around to show him the ropes. They were passing by the gardening section, when they heard a customer asking for grass seed. The sales manager stepped in. Sales manager: Excuse me, but will you be needing a hose to water your lawn?Customer : I guess so. I'll take one.Sales manager: And how about some fertilizer and weed-killer?Customer : Um, okay.Sales manager: Here's a couple of bags. You'll also need a lawn mower to cut the grass when it starts growing too long.Customer : I'll take one of those too. After the customer left, the sales manager turned to the assistant. "You see?" he said, "that's the way to make a good sale. Always sell more than what the customer originally came in for." Impressed, the assistant headed off for the pharmaceutical section, where he was to work. Soon, a man strolled in.Man: I'd like to buy a pack of Tampax, please.Sales assistant: Sure, and... | | By: the chutkule | | |
| | Funny jokes - limp duck | | 2008-08-04 03:27:17 | | A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck has passed away."The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?""Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied."How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird fr... | | By: the chutkule | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Sign | | 2008-07-30 02:06:00 | | Little Johnny paints a sign that reads:"WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME."He tells his buddy Roy to get his wagon and both sit under a shade tree in Johnny's front yard, waiting for business.Kathy, across the street is not to be outdone, so she paints a bigger sign that reads:"WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL."She tells her friend Nellie to get her wagon, and they both sit in front of Kathy's yard.Johnny's pissed. How dare that GIRL?Then, a flash and Johnny hauls Roy across the street saying, "Let's get some laughs.""Say, Kathy, you move ANYTHING?""Give me a nickel and I'll prove it to you.""Roy, give me your nickel!"Johnny takes it and hands it to Kathy."What you want moved, boy?""Move my BOWELS!" Johnny said and starts laughing.So Kathy kicked the shit out of him.... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Numbers | | 2008-07-28 02:06:00 | | The teacher asked little Andy if he knew his numbers yet. "Yes, teacher," he said, "my dad taught me.""Good, Andy. Tell me what comes after two," the teacher said. "Three," replied Andy."Very good. What comes after five, Andy?" asked the teacher. "Six," answered Andy."Excellent. Your dad did a very good job. Now, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked."A jack!" replied Andy.... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Communication | | 2008-07-26 02:05:00 | | A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.""No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?""It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded."I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?""I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."He said, "Do you have a real grudge?""No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.""Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?""Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.""Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?""Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?""Oh, I don't want ... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Dildo | | 2008-07-24 02:05:00 | | A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry. That was an insect."To which one of the boys replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-IT Consultant | | 2008-07-22 02:06:00 | | A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards himThe driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on hislocation which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .Within seconds, he receives an email on his... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Tired of job | | 2008-07-21 02:06:00 | | A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role."Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Surprising the cows | | 2008-07-20 02:04:00 | | Little Johnny is visiting his Granddad on the farm.He races into the farmhouse and yells excitedly to his Granddad:"Hey Granddad, the bull is fucking the cow".Granddad informs Johnny that he won't tolerate this sort of playground language on his farm and that in future if Johnnywants to inform him about such things he should say something like "Granddad the bull is surprising the cow."A few weeks later Johnny is again visiting the farm.Once again he comes racing in and yells:"Granddad the bull is surprising the cows."Granddad says to Johnny: "I'm pleased to hear that after my conversation with you a few weeks ago you have cleaned up yourlanguage. However, your grammar is not quite correct. It is not "the bull is surprising the cows". It is "the bull is surprising the cow". The bull can only surprise one cow at a time".Johnny replies:"No Granddad, the bull is surprising all the cows because he's fucking the horse!"... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Husband's plight | | 2008-07-18 02:06:00 | | A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out,"Watch out for that wall!"... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-The Ladies Comode | | 2008-07-16 02:05:00 | | A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom.He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably."Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc."Man, this is grea... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | | Really really funny jokes-Shakespearean Play | | 2008-07-14 02:06:00 | | Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be Shakespearean play. The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden...I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."The second little boy was to reply by saying,"Hark, a pistol shot!"Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words..."My fair maiden!. . .I have come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap."The second boy screams out..."Hark! A shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, bull shit...I never wanted to be in thi... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Graveside service | | 2008-07-12 02:05:00 | | As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.Since I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen,""Praise the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelation. I closed the ... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Explain | | 2008-07-11 02:06:00 | | A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Denver to Dallas.The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes ?The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.So the boy walks to the galley and asks the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me"The boy said, "Yes, she did....""Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Italian Meal | | 2008-07-08 02:05:00 | | The customer in the Italian restaurant in Boston's North End was so pleased with his meal that he asked to speak to the chef."Certainly! Come with me," the owner said as he proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef."Your Pasta Quattro Formaggi was superb!" the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I had over there.""Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Bank account | | 2008-07-06 02:04:00 | | A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account"To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?""Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now.""Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?""There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!""I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-If | | 2008-07-04 02:05:00 | | If a bra is anupper topper titty flopper stopper,and a jock strap is alower decker pecker checker,and a roll of toilet tissue is asuper duper doody pooper scooper,what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Babies | | 2008-07-03 02:05:00 | | There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of two beautiful twins!"Amazed, the man says, Great! I am the manager for the Minneasota Twins.The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of three beautiful triplets!"Amazed, he says, "That's cool I work for 3M."All of a sudden, the third father opens the window and jumps out.The third nurse comes out, and asks, "Where's the third father?"One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.."The nurse asks, "Why?"He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-A Speeding Ticket !! | | 2008-07-01 02:06:00 | | A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchangeOfficer: May I see your driver's licenseDriver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicleDriver: It's not my car. I stole it.Officer: The car is stolen.Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.Officer: There's a gun in the glove boxDriver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK!!Driver: Yes, sir.Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situationCaptain: Sir, can I see your licenseDriver: Sure. Here it is.It was valid.Captain: Who's car is this?Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.Captain: Could you slowly open your g... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Funny jokes-Longer Dipstick | | 2008-07-01 02:04:00 | | A woman pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes a dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant: "Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?""May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?""Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!!"... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | | Really funny jokes-"Awful 4-letter Words" | | 2008-06-30 02:04:00 | | A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.'Well', said her mother, 'so how was the honeymoon?''Oh mama', she replied, 'The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic'.Suddenly she burst out crying.'But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home! PLEASE MAMA!''Sarah, Sarah', her mother said, 'calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful?WHAT 4-letter words?'Sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook...'... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Brief survey | | 2008-06-28 02:05:00 | | Bonnie heard the telephone ring upstairs. Tiredly, she ran back up the stairs only to hear a solicitor on the other end. "Hello, is this Bonnie Goldman?"
"Yes."
"We are calling people in your area and would like to know if you would help us by particip...... | | By: The Funny Pictures and Videos Blog | | |
| | Funny jokes-Playing for West Tigers | | 2008-06-28 02:04:00 | | Their marriage had been shaky. He was looking shifty and she was sulking. They were washing the dishes. She was washing, he was drying.
She handed him a saucer and it broke as he dropped it on the floor.
"Why don't you admit it!", she shouted. "Tell me...... | | By: The Funny Pictures and Videos Blog | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Still love her | | 2008-06-26 02:06:00 | | A man is sitting on his front stoop staring at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is."Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse.""What kind of question?" the neighbor asks."My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly.""That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'""Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I MEANT to say. But what came OUT was, 'Of course I do.'"... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Funny jokes-Alaskan and Texan | | 2008-06-25 02:04:00 | | An Alaskan and a Texan met in New York and decided to do the town together. After many bars they found themselves walking across Brooklyn Bridge. They decided to stop and relieve themselves. As they were standing there adding to the pollution, the Texan turned to the Alaskan and said, "Water's cold!" The Alaskan replied, "Deep too."... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | | Really funny jokes-Generation Gap | | 2008-06-23 02:06:00 | | A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation."You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one !", the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear."The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing .... and" pausing to take another drink of beer.... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you - arrogant little - what are you doing for the next generation?"... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Adult funny jokes-Health Plan | | 2008-06-22 02:05:00 | | A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital.During her tour she passed a room where a male patient was being given a hand job by a nurse's aide."Oh my God!" said the woman. "That's disgraceful! "The doctor leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if they aren't emptied at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture.""Oh, well that's reasonable, then." said the woman.As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.Shocked, the woman said, "Oh my GOD! That's truly disgraceful! How can THAT be justified?"Again the doctor replied calmly, "Same illness, better health plan."... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Game warden | | 2008-06-21 02:05:00 | | A farmer and his friend were leaning on a fence chatting.Suddenly, the local Game Warden showed up and insisted on checking the farmer's property and, in particular, a certain field. The farmer refused to allow him access to the field but the Warden insisted he had the right, saying, "I'm the Game Warden and I have a card! This card allows me to go in." Before the farmer could stop him, the Warden was off into the field.Soon, a horrifying scream pierced the air and the Warden, being chased by a massive bull, reappeared running for his life. "Help, help!" he cried.The farmer shouted back, "Show him your card! Show him your card!"... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Yoga | | 2008-06-20 02:05:00 | | A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.Seeing this, her friend congratulated her and said yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Painful | | 2008-06-19 02:06:00 | | A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?""No," he replied, "Arthritis."... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | | Really funny jokes-Well, Isn't That Nice! | | 2008-06-18 02:04:00 | | Two delicate flowers of French womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion in New Orleans.The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."Yes again, the second woman commented "Well, isn't that nice."The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"The second woman replied, "My husband sent me to charm school.""Charm school!" the first woman smiled, "Land sakes, child, what on earth for?"The second woman responded, "So that instead of saying 'Who gives a darn' I learned to say, 'Wel... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Funny jokes-Senior humor | | 2008-06-17 02:03:00 | | Three old guys, hard of hearing, are out walking.First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Remembering things | | 2008-06-16 02:06:00 | | Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks."Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?""Sure.""Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks."No, I can remember it.""Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. ""I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,The old man returns from the kitchen and hands h... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Short funny jokes-Clean Cup | | 2008-06-16 02:04:00 | | Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"1st customer: "I'll have tea."2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the cup is clean!"Waiter instructs the cook: "Two tea, with one in a clean cup."... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Hearing Aid | | 2008-06-14 02:05:00 | | An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Iraqi Spies | | 2008-06-13 02:05:00 | | Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers: "Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish.... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Multiple Storms | | 2008-06-10 02:05:00 | | A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain."What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" asked the captain."Throw out an anchor, sir." replied the naval student."What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" asked the captain."Throw out another anchor, sir." answered the student."And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?" asked the captain."Throw out another anchor." replied the student."Hold on," said the Captain. "Where are you getting all your anchors from?"The naval student replied, "From the same place you're getting all of your storms, sir."... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-Guide dogs | | 2008-06-09 02:06:00 | | A man is walking his dog in a park when he meets another man, also walking his dog. They say hello and start to talk about their dogs. One has a chihuahua and the other a doberman.They decide to rest for coffee and they walk into a local cafe. Upon seeing a 'no animals allowed' sign, the man with the doberman says"Don't worry, put on these dark glasses. We'll pretend these are our guide dogs".So the men do this and go into the cafe. When the waiter comes over, he says to the man with the doberman "I'm sorry sir, but we do not allow animals in here. You'll have to take that dog outside.""But this is my guide dog," says the man."A doberman! A doberman isn't a guide dog," says the waiter."Actually, a doberman is particularly suited to being a guide dog nowadays. They provide lots of security and they are very well mannered.""Oh, alright then," says the waiter, and then he notices the other dog. "Excuse me sir, but you can't have that dog in here," he says to the other man."Oh yes I can, t... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
| | Really funny jokes-The worst hijacking | | 2008-06-07 02:05:00 | | We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever. On a flight across America, he rose from his seat, drew gun and took the stewardess hostage. "Take me to Detroit," he demanded. "We're already going to Detroit," she replied."Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again. ... | | By: Really funny jokes | | |
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